Sunday, December 13, 2009

BYE BYE BLOGGER!

I moved to a tumblr.. i like the set up more so far

plus this chapter in my life is done and over with =]

If ya still care...

About time to retire

this site.

This chapter of my life is over.. I go through so many blogs and they usually follow stages of my life.


I've changed a lot since this blog. let go of a lot, forgave a lot, seen a lot, experienced a lot, and learned a lot. It's just I went through and read a lot of my posts from months and months ago and they all seem so depressing haha. Truth be told, I'm the happiest I've been in awhile, thanks to myself.

So I started a new chapter in my life, so I think it's time to make a new blog... I will post it later :)

Friday, December 11, 2009

I have never been that shaken before...

I'm having an amazing night last night. I went to a dance party with Mikey, His gf Felicity, Jennifer, and Emily. We Met up with Chris and his friends. I'm having an AMAZING time.... and we were only there for like a hr when I get a phone call...

I could barely make out what my mom was saying, "Branden, Rachael has been t-boned and is being carried in an ambulance to the sentera lee hospital off PA road, it's pretty bad..."

I instantly got nauseous and I feel so bad cause I basically just up and left the people I was with to rush to the hospital. I wasn't the only one driving though so it was ok, they all understood. I never have been that scared in my life. I had no idea what was going on and by the way my mom was talking... I had no idea... So finally I get to the hospital to see my sister all helpless in an emergency room. Fortunately, she came out pretty lucky, had some major whip lash and broke only a few bones. That was such amazing news, my heart dropped when I found out she was going to be alright in a sense.

It's so scary knowing that your life could be taken away from you at any given point in time. I feel people forget that. What if you died today? You regret anything you did or didn't do today? Instances like last night remind you how valuable life is. That there is no time for the bullshit in life. You live once and you never know when hat gift might be taken from you, so live it up. There is no use in wondering "what if?". Just do it. Life is way too precious to waste and dwell on things. It's the most extraordinary gift possible, so cherish it, because you might not have it in the next five minutes.

PS: thank you last night for coming up to the hospital. It meant a lot to me, I've known you for like a month and you came through, even after I practically ditched everyone at the dance party...I'm sorry you had to see me like I was last night, I don't think ANYBODYS ever seen me hysterical. You truely are an amazing person.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I saw the sorrow

in your eyes again.

You hate whats happened to your life don't you?

I have never been a big fan of my father. He is indeed a raging alcoholic. My earliest childhood memories are of him hitting/threatening my mother or I. He has had FOUR DUI charges against him. 3/4 wrecking vehicles. He has torn you apart. You lost your kids over it, you lost your beautiful wife over it, and worst of all your pride over it.

I saw the sorrow Tuesday while your plastered. I can't remember the last time I've seen or talk to you completely sober. I see the pain behind those eyes. You couldn't control your demons your whole life and it caught up to you. Your attitude and alcohol have caused you to lose everything. You might be fooling everybody else, but I see straight through you. You would do anything to go back and time and have my mother back as your wife. To raise my sister and I the way we should have been brought up. No you fucked up it all up. Now the only thing left for you to do is to drown yourself is more alcohol. Try to drown out the memories, it doesn't work, it makes it worse.

Now I know why I'm so against alcohol. I like to drink, but at the same time i despise it. I much rather have sober fun. I'm so over the party scene but sadly that's all there is to ever do. Last weekend was so much fun. I was on the edge of my seat for three/four days straight and I was completely sober the whole time. That is honestly the BEST kind of fun. I don't need alcohol to have a good time.

I get so scared I might have the alcoholic gene in me. That I could be next... I've seen it come out in before.. I swear never on my life will that happen again. Seeing you after 8 months did me good. It reminded me of everything I don't ever wanna be. It reminded me that as much as I used to hate you.. you're my biggest hero. I'm so proud of myself today thanks to you. I look at you in disgust and never want to be that. I may have had an incident but it will never happen again. Your demon will never take over me again.

I thank you dad, because of you I am who I am today. I find myself completely beautiful and the best part is.. I'm so much better then that

I wouldn't change the way you brought me up for anything in the world.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Next time there won't be a next time

some things just have to be done

No one ever puts their hands on my sister.


972 fucked

Monday, December 7, 2009

"You're beautiful"

I told think anyone but my mom has ever told me that in my life. For no reason ever she just came out and said it. I like that word "beautiful" It makes you feel really good about yourself. It's not only a word that describes attractiveness, but a word that describes a person as a whole. When she said, I really felt it.

I probably should have kissed her right then and there. The past two weeks we've hung out I loved it though. I don't wanna ruin that. We've spent the night each other three times now and yet to kiss. To be honest I don't really wanna kiss her. I doubt I'd feel anything to be honest. I'm way too numb. I just know shes a lot of fun. Since Thursday we've hung out everyday.

Those days included: dance parties, bowling, shopping, baking cookies, watching Christmas lights, pointless drives, Christmas Parade!, screaming, swings, and endless conversation. It weird cause I talk bout Nicole to her alot. She doesn't seem to mind though, which is good, because I need someone to listen to me for once.

Then she asked me a question.. one that stays in back of my head...

"Do you want Nicole back?"

For the first time I realized what it is I want.. and I can fully admit it.

"I love the girl to death, she haves no idea, and to be honest I know I could make her the happiest person alive if she ever let me, but the truth is when you truly love somebody, you just want them to be happy...even if it's out of your control...."

I've never spoken a more truthful statement.

For the first time in awhile I am completely content with life. It has nothing to do with someone else making me feel content. Only I can make myself content, specially right now. It is the fact that I realized how proud of myself I am and better yet, how truly beautiful I am.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

You want a miracle? Then be the miracle

I remember when I was little I used to love Christmas. Today, Christmas time personally disgusts me. I got into a long talk with my friend Jen about how much I hate what Christmas has come to. It's a hallmark holiday. Where people are more worried bout presents, money, the best stuff, and everything else that ruins Christmas. Personally, I wish gifts weren't involved.. I find it rather silly.

To me Christmas is that time when people come together. It's sad, but it's usually the month everyone is jolly. I honestly don't remember the last time I really met anybody in the Christmas spirit. Everybody is so caught up in myself. I finally decided to do something bout it

I decided to do the nicest/most graceful thing I've ever done.

I recently got a pretty decent amount of money.

I took $1500 dollars and donated it to st. judes hospital. There is a lot of other stuff I could of spent this money on. I coulda bout myself a lott of un necessary shit. I decided to donate it. Why? Because that $1500 will be spent so much better then how I could have done it. I know $1500 isn't that much when it comes to a hospital. But to me, it was a lot to let go of and it felt amazing.
Secondly, St. Jude is mostly a cancer foundation for kids. They focus on youth with cancer diseases. After I donated that $1500 they showed me and Jen around the hospital. They couldn't believe someone my age donated that so much. It hit so close to home for me being thankful for how successful for now my treatment was. I had a miracle happen to me and I wanted to be a miracle to someone else. Hopefully that $1500 is just enough to save someone elses life.

This month I wanna concentrate alot on "Christmas Spirit"

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

HOLY SHIT

we made the news from last night


hahaha

oh god, it's not the first time though

=]

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

August Burns Red

has been my favorite band in that genre for years now.

I've seen them roughly around 8 times.. all over the state of VA. It's crazy to watch them in a crowd of 12 people when I was 16 to watching them pack out a bigger venue such as the norva four years later. I think honestly one of my favorite parts is how positive they are in their music and how they are some of the most legit dudes I have ever met.

"The truth of a liar" is personally my favorite.

Blood,sweet,beer,adrenaline,chaos, and thrill was all experienced last night. I loved every second of it. It's been so long since I've been to a show like that. It brings me back to my younger days. I love it, I'm def going to start going to more shows like that if I like the bands.

Oh and I got to see DJHEARTBREAKZZZ. I love that girl, she seriously is my best friend. She knows so much about me it isn't funny. Felt good seeing her.. I wish it happened more often.


"The truth hurts, but denial's what will kill you"

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Forgive me!

It's been like five days since I've posted, but truth is I haven't been home more then a hour besides thanksgiving since Tuesday.

This thanks giving break was AMAZING and very much needed.

My break consisted of:
seeing old friends, Angela came home!, adventures with Erin, sleepovers, snuggle seshs, rooftop dancing, drinking, watching the town light up, parades, tattoos, up all night talks, car singing, mini road trip, drunk talks with people I never thought I'd be close to, being romanced,drunk with my mom, guitar hero!,passionate kisses(sober ones, which are best), ice skating!, movies, FUCKING SHIT UP. That basically covers up the past five days... with out elaborating.

First time I get to sleep in my bed since Monday night haha, I've missed it :(

Tattoo:

This is a tattoo I've wanted for awhile. It has a lot of meaning behind it.
1) The brotherhood. I love every single dude related to this. I love what we stand for. A lot of people get the wrong idea, but truth is we arent no "gang". We are a crew, a brotherhood. A group for self improvement, to help us when we think no one is there.
"The best feeling is not the fact that they have my back, but the fact I have theirs"

972....down fo lyfe faggots

2) After all the bullshit I've been through it has made me ruthless. I wouldn't say it's negative, but it has kept me pressing on. Its a nasty world out there and everyone has to be ruthless.





PS: I still care. It's just easier to not care. I hope you forgive me someday. I can honestly say I forgive you for everything and it feels good. Hopefully some day you do the same. Al though I won't lie it'd be nice if you stayed out of my dreams... don't take it personal.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

You'll never find anyone who believes in you as much as I do

I can honestly say that. Through thick and thin I was there..
I never left and even when you said by then you woulda been gone.

It's sad that something that beautiful we had comes to this..nothing..almost hate.

There is no one to blame for what is happening I guess... Sorry thing is most of it is out of our control.

There alot of things both of us need to work on as us being friends again
I hope some day you lose the attitude towards me, the hostility, THAT I CAN JOKE WITH YOU. We can laugh bout everything. When we first met I used to be able to joke around with you about other boys and now it's always me hating. I'll never get it?
It's so hypocritical because through everything you were allowed to say shit, makes comments, bash me online.. and the second I do it it was done, you hated me, told me to leave you alone.

I love you kid, you're an amazing person once you let your guard down.. I hope you let your new boy discover that.. don't do him like you did me at first... it messes you up.

The sorry thing is is after it's all said and done I have every reason to want nothing to do with you. but I can't help it, I've seent he real you, I know you're not as heartless as you make yourself seem, I know I don't bring out the worse in you, I know who you really are behind that huge wall you built called an attitude. Its beautiful and whoever is next to discover that is so lucky.

I don't care how much shit you have to talk on me cause I won't do it back...

The past few weeks I have been the most mature person I ever met. Nothings going to turn me around. I'm so much stronger then what people think, I'm so much better then what you've recently made me out to be, I'm so much better then what I turned myself into. The fact that all this has been happening and I'm completely content says alot.

This is my final blog I write bout you. I know time and space will do us good, so here it goes. Just know I'm always wishing the best for you, just know I'm always with you. At your best and at your worst.

I can't wait for the day till you talk to me again about everything. I feel like I have no idea who you are anymore..it sucks.. I miss you as a friend alot

You'll never find any person who believes in you as much as I do.. and if you do.. I pray to god you never let them go

Best of luck kid <3

This world can't bring me to my knees, when it's dead to me

I'm officially emotionally numb again.

I can't feel anything anymore.

I'm back to my comfort zone, it's what I'm used to so why change it now?

I just don't care anymore, seriously FUCK IT ALL

ahh it feels good to be "home"


Oh god the world is fucked
OH GOD...I'm FUCKED!

hahaha

PS: thanks.. I feel so much better bout myself now... =]

OH BTW ERIN COMES HOME TOMORROW! This is going to be such a fun break!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Clear mind

I'm still not sure what happened last night.
I'm still confused for why you have so much anger towards me.

In the end I knew you'd end up hating me and I tried to prevent it, sadly it didn't work.

I blame no one for what happened between us, there is no one to blame.

It isn't your fault or anybody's. I shouldn't listen to what people say, but they just knew how to get to me. I listen to the voice mail Brady left me after you told them what happened and I find it immature to threaten me for something thats is their fault.

I lost you over some dumb bullshit that was completely out of our control, you hate me for something I'm not too sure why.. . I hope some day you tell me.

In the end all I ever wanted was for you to be happy, I some day hope you realize that, I know my selfish ways didn't help and made cloudy judgements.

I never thought that we'd come to this.. something so special destroyed and out of our control.

I can't wait till this all passes over.

Oh and I'm glad we talked last night. I really needed to clear things up with you. I just wanted to make sure we're both on the same page. I know we both kinda lost ourselves but I look forward to us.. what ever we become.. you're an amazing girl and I have a lot of fun with you.. we shall see what it comes from that.. I'm terribly sorry you got the wrong impression of me :( and I'm sure i didn't help out your situation at all

"rock-a-bye" =]

Sunday, November 22, 2009

FORGIVE ME

But as for now this is goodbye. I can't stand to watch you be with some one else, and I definitely can't be harassed bout it by him and his friend.

I have to push you out to give you want you want. If you wanna be happy then I have to disappear for awhile because right now as long as I talk to you I'm always going to want you.

Forgive me for deleting you out of my phone completely, I just can't be tempted anymore. I have to let you go, else I'm going to feel like shit bout myself for way too long.

maybe some day youll realize we won't go back to what we were and that we could start new. Maybe someday you'll realize it wasn't just me scared when we dated.. that you pushed me out just as much.

I think this is the most mature thing I've ever done. It feels good your friends agree, specially after letting them listen to the voicemail I had received that started this. I wish you would listen to it...maybe it'd change your perpestive on everything.I'm glad they don't blame me for not wanting to be apart of it anymore.. i can't do it.. it's tearing me apart..

As for now, I have no diea why you hate me so much, but I hope some day I understand. I wish you'd talk to me, but you never could with me, I hope that changes someday too. You mean the world to me and always will..

I was pushing you out to make you happy, so you didn't have to hear my shit. SO I couldn't be harassed anymore. I know youll be happy in the end.. i don't care even if its with him.. personally I hope he proves everyone wrong.. you deserve someone amazing..

I look forward to the day this all clears and we can eventually be friends again and who knows maybe something more.

I never had intentions of making you miserable but I could see I wasn't doing you any good now.. i made this decision in the most unshelfish way possible..maybe some day you'll realize that.. to had nothing to do to make you miserable.. it was for you to be free of my shit, for me to get over you, for us to have time.

I know I'ma be ok.. it just sucks.. this will be harder then quitting smoking and biting my nails.

Forgive me kid, but you completely got the wrong idea out of all of this, best of luck <3

"don't ever let them say you ain't beautiful, they can all get fucked, just stay true to you"

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

Dear God:

make me a bird so I can fly far far a w a y


"Everything that happens is from now on."

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Phone Conversations

I honestly can't remember where I talked on the phone for hours on end

This girl has helped me through more I can remember, she's known me at my fworst. Since 8th grade, the one person who has helped me more then anybody. It's crazy how much I can say I owe to her.. I don't know if I'd even be alive today without her.

Anyways, while on the phone with her we picked myself apart. Make a list of everything bout me and divided them into positive and negative groups. An hour later I'm looking at this paper I made and I'm staring at everything negative about me. As I start there staring at this I realized that most of it has been going away, or stuff that I can easily change. It feels so good to be back to myself. Everybody notices it, I'm so happy it's almost disgusting.

For the first time last night I realized that I do indeed love myself. I love who I'm becoming, who I am, my goals, my ambitions, my thoughts, my motives, my perspective and the hardest part my flaws. Most men can't accept their flaws but I can and I love them. By loving them I want to change them so I can improve myself. You always remind me of how to love myself, Like i used to over a year ago. I am one of the most beautiful human beings ever created, I've been through more shit then any 20 yr old could handle, and I'm still trucking.

It's so much easier when you just push out of the negative things in your life, you just don't got time for them.

Loving yourself is honestly the best feeling you could ever feel. You get that invincibility shield around you.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

shhhhhh

"aw Branden you're such a sweet heart, why did you have to bring Matt with you to my party?"



That made me smile so much haha thank you =]

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Sit back and watch, as the sky fall down

So last night didn't turn out how I wanted to at all

It started off alright, went to complete shit, then turned into one of the most beautiful nights ever.

Unfortunately, I ended up going by myself. I met up with a few people down in Sandbridge but I didn't really hang out with them.

I set up my own spot by like 1am and listen to pandora. I was in horrible mood at first, I have never felt more horrible about myself as I did last night. Then about 30 mins into laying there

The sky starts to fall. Every star I saw shoot across the sky I made a wish. About 50 wishes in I realize they are all pretty much the same thing, just worded differently. Each single wish I made was inspired by you. In the middle of me making wishes, Float On by Modest Mouse comes on. I went from crying to laughing as I made wishes. Doing this a sudden feeling of nostalgalic takes over. I just smiled, making wishes, thinking of you.

In the end I made probably close to 200-300 wishes. All along the same lines, so I'm hoping some form of my wish comes true.. its bound to happen.. at least I can always wish....

Monday, November 16, 2009

It felt amazing

everything.

I can't explain it but this is the happiest I have felt it so long.

1) Brand New was amazing
2)Road trip was needed
3)RVA is always a good time.

I find it ironic how things happen. I don't know if you'd call it fate or coincidence. I guess it depends how you look at it. All I know is she made me feel amazing. I can't remember the last time I was romanced or the last time i fell asleep holding somebody and waking up in the same position.

I don't think anyone would ever to be able to understand the changed I went through. I can't explain it. I feel normal, bubbly,goofy,carefree and best of all content. I feel content with myself. 

Sunday afternoon as I was leaving Erin dorm I stopped and stared into the mirror. For the first time I stopped and smiled at what I saw. I was proud of who was looking back in the mirror.

Life is amazing..sometimes you forget what life is all about. I'm so glad to have my focus back.


As for you.. I don't know what to call us. All I know is I enjoy it a lot. You brought a lot of fun out in me again. You've made me feel things I completely forgot were real. I don't give a fuck what anyone has got to say about you, because my thoughts are the only one that matters.


Friday, November 13, 2009

Let me re-introduce myself

as a man with a cause

I've had so much time to think about everything. Music has been my key therapy, along with amazing friends. In the end I came to the realization... that nothing is wrong haha

Yesterday, kids I barely knew showed me the time of my life. I haven't had that much fun in god knows how long. I thank them alot.

It feels so good to be back in my skin

Since the summer I've told people how much I wanted to be back in my skin, that I was so lost. I remember I used to tell Hannah all the time over the summer how much I wanted to be me again. Truth is I haven't found myself until recently. I sugarcoated it since the summer, but truth was I was never happy, I wasn't me.

So how do I know that I'm actually back in my skin? Well I know for sure because the demons are gone. All the uncontrollable urges have finally been tamed. The thoughts, actions, words and habits. I CONTROL THEM NOW. Also, the pain is gone. The hate, sorrow, disgust, all of that is gone. I let it go... god damn did it feel so good to let it go.

I fell off for a awhile and it damn nearly took me 5 months to get myself back. Demons cleared, head straight and back to myself. I love it. Dispite everything that has happened to me, life isn't so bad. I've come to terms with some of the hardest shit anybody will have to deal with.

In the end I am as strong as I thought... it was just hidden...


You gotta be brought down to worse to improve your best. I've seen my worse and it did me good. I know I'm never going back to that and the fact that the best of me is so much more improved.. it is an amazing feeling

"Welcome back Branden"

PS: I know how you feel kid. I read a lot of your blogs and it's crazy that you took some of the words right out of my mouth. There is hope though and you're so much stronger then you ever believed

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

i feel so akward

I knew it'd be different

I just knew it... i hope it passes..

I guess this is what you want

forgive me for thinking this, but in a sense, Brady I hope you're right what you told me yesterday... Sorry if it seems messed up

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

If someone wrote a book bout your life...

would it be worth reading?

If not does that bother you?

I've started seeing an anger therapist...

We got on the topic of writing and suggest I started writing a book or atleast attempt.. it would put a lot perspective in my head..

truth be told I already started it.. hopefully i can finish it by the end of the month if not then definitely by the end of the year..

No one would probably care to read it.. but it's worth it to me =]

Ima bout halfway done now :)



Monday, November 9, 2009

Everythings going to be ok

Sometimes those are the words you just need to hear

after it's all said and done I know I will be ok.

Sometimes you just need to take a step back and watch what goes on around you.

I realized alot this weekend.. I definitely realized I need to separate myself from certain people.

Life too short to sweat the small shit.. and in my case life may be really short haha you just never know.

One realization I have realized that is no matter how hard we've tried to separate from each other.. I just don't think it's possible. I can easily drop and push out people out of my life.. but with you I can't. I would like to think it's the same for you too. Something that just can't be explained is there.. to me we both know what it is.. but we definitely aren't ready for it, but in time... oh in time we will

I'm so ready for what the future has in store for me...

letting go of my past has never felt better =]

Saturday, November 7, 2009

help!

I think I'm having a panic attack

Words could never explain

the situation with me right

I do know that I'm thankful for my good friends. I know I haven't been myself lately and for the ones who forgave me... I thank you. Yall mean the world to me.. you have no idea.. you guys give me such a motivation to change who I am

from here on out I want change.

I've hit rock bottom and the only way is up

If you don't have a positive influence in my life.. then get the fuck out

Friday, November 6, 2009

5 am.

What I'ma bout to write might seem bold to post online, but I have no choice. No where else to go. I've got no one left to vent to, no one to listen, no one to care.

At 5:15 am I wake up to bright lights and unfamiliar faces. I finally gain my vision somewhat and look over and there is my mom, crying her heart out. I realize where I'm at and go to scream but nothing comes out. I got a hose the size of my throat down my throat. Only thing next is tears and lots of them.

I tried to kill myself last night. No I'm not suicidal as contradictory as that sounds. I tried to off my sleep and around 5am my mom came to check on me worried. then she found that i wasn't waking up and immediately rushed me to the hospital.

Last night I saw a part of me come out I've never seen before. I am at a lost of words for what became of my. I have let everyone down. I'm slowly killing myself off. I'm hurting people that don't deserve it. I do not want to be this way.

As for you, I know I lost you, I would like to think not for good, just for some time, because I need you now more then ever. Just as my best friend. I really need one. I've got no one to vent to and it's all built up. Words can never explain how I feel towards you or this situation. I'm tired of saying sorry, I'm sure you're tired of hearing it. For what I've done I hope I can some day come to terms with. I love you with all of my heart, it's not going to change. I know you lost everything for me, but as for now, I hope to regain your friendship because I need it so bad.

As for matt and shawn. Matt you didn't deserve any of that last night. You're an amazing guy and you did the right thing. She didn't wanna be there last night and even though you were wasted you still came and got her. I shouldn't have taken anything out on you. You're way too amazing for that kid. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I know it will be heart but I hope you do. I am truly sorry for what happened and how I handled myself.

As of last night I made the decision to stop everything. I am no long drinking for a while. After I seen hat demon dad come out of me last night. I want nothing to do with it. I'm giving it up, I don't care what setting I'm in. I do not want to drink until I'm back in my own skin. I want no more demons in me.

I'm ready to clean up, straighten up and man up. Even though I don't know if Ill get certain people back I can improve myself. I am so much better then how I've been. that is not me and I definitely won't settle that for me.

I can't even look myself in the mirror without getting disgusted or wanting to punch it.


Serious change starts today and nothings holding me back. I only need positive reinforcement in my life. I have got way too much shit to battle for any 20 year old ot handle, but i can do it. I'm so much better then what people think of me.


I seriously hate myself and I never have in my life.. I'm ready to love myself

this is where I face my fears. I can only take it one step at a time.

Goodbye past, fuck you, I'm starting clean

Thursday, November 5, 2009

there is no FUCKING way

they are going to make me do a spinal tap

no way

I refuse, my bodys fine, I don't care if they think it's "shutting down"
there is no way they are injecting chemicals in my body



I'd rather die, that's the worst pain I've ever felt

never again, kick rocks with that

I'm so over oncologist,needles, and chemo bullshit

I don't wanna go back anymore

self control

has something I lost awhile ago.

It's something that I've wanted back.

So I stated working on it, starting off by quit smoking.

I haven't smoked a cig in three days and even though its only three days it a start. I refuse to be addicted to anything..even something as little as a cigarette.

Along with other things, such as anger, thoughts, selfishness, and much more.

I was told by my best friend friend yesterday that I said the most mature thing they ever heard any body say as I spilling my sins. It felt good, because I need positive feedback.

It won't be long till I find myself again.. I can tell.. I wasn't as lost as you or I thought I was.

I can't wait to be home

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

i honestly

Don't know how I feel

But I do wish I was as happy as you are


Just keep my head up

Things got to get better?

Dont they?

Nothing right has been going on

I got a reckless ticket

Nicole is breaking up with me

I got to go today and do damn blood-work.. again I fucking hate needles

I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out in a few weeks

all this stress is affecting me in school

I just feel so shitty.. it's starting to feel like an all time low.. I hate it

god, somethings got to get better isn't it?

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Let it go

I once told you "I don't wanna get hurt"

you then replied "Its a chance you got take"


in the end I was right, I did get crushed

but it was so damn worth every second of it

=]

Monday, November 2, 2009

I really wonder?

where should I cross the line?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Mind at Ease

It's time I cool off

I don't know whats got into me recently but I have just been uptight.
I've been worrying bout shit I don't need to.. just in general.

It's true. You do want to be with me and that's all that matters. We've been through a lot on both ends and I want to benefit from it. I really don't know why I've acted the way I have sometimes. I hate it to be completely honest. Yea you do shit to piss me off, but that's going to happen and how I react is on me. Not anybody else.

Your attitude has effected me so much that I'm starting to get one. I'm turning into this monster I never was before. I refuse to turn into that and I won't. I'm stopping myself while I realize it now. That's not me and I won't let you turn me into that.

I want to help you. I really do but the key is to wanting to help yourself. If you don't want to then I can't help and if I can't help I just can't stay.

I love you kid and I'm trying here, but you got to want it to change too.

I want my end to change

Only time will tell.. only time will tell.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tonight I steal the show

Set your cameras
to black and white
tonight we die
without putting up a fight

tip the glass one last time
in the end, we love, goodbye

Just dance with me one last time
dance with me, before this dies
can't you see everything your destroying
the world burts in flames as you waltz

this bottle has ran out
which menas i'm outta luck
it's no good to me..shattered

So lets paint this canvas
your best art is when your hands are stained with blood
this painting is all thats left

I have burnt my eyes trying to find a reason why this feel apart

I'm breathing oceans
burning bridges
and distorting my loses
the waves on my back will tear at my heart no more

I'll show you how this could be done, real passion and real grace, my love
I'm not faceless like the fraud you used to give yourself to

don't sail away tonight
becuase I can feel you when you leave

I will not die your hero

(I finally got my groove back to write again)

it explains alot =]

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Everybody asks me

why I let her treat me like this

and I finally realized today

I dont know why

Saturday, October 24, 2009

i miss you

A lot a lot a lot


Bleh

Thursday, October 22, 2009

you just can't

treat people like that

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I really suck

at planning surprises

haha this happens every time

but I'm determined to surprise you someday, somehow


well change of plans for saturday

It's official

I'm running away... far far far away

It dosen't feel right here
I don't feel right here

I want to be better

I want out of here

you get caught up, in these same social circles; you watch people destroy themselves. I'm so tired of seeing blank faces.

I feel helpless,useless,mistreated, underestimated. I just don't feel like I truely make anyone happy anymore.

If I do people have a weird way of showing it.

dispite how everyone acts, I'm still happy as can be its weird.
It feels good to know someone else out there can understand.

PS: forgive me, it was outta my control

Italic
make me d i s s a p e a r

Monday, October 19, 2009

CLear Mind

I need to put all my focus to school

I need to get involed in the web club.

I got about a year left and need to get all the expierence I can.

bleh

the blackberry matt gave me is killing me. I need a new one I don't know if it's the battery or the phone. I've been looking on e-bay. Moneys just so tight; Nicoles birthday in two weeks and then Christmas is only two months away.

I dont even like christmas

Friday, October 16, 2009

Its been a few days

I've been rather lazy.. maybe it's the drugs I got prescribed

Anyways surgery Wednesday went well. I get results in a week. the pain killers they gave me are amazing

I really wish It would stop raining this weekend so Nicole and I can go do fun things


also, resident evil 5 r00lez

I'll make a better post when I get my mind back

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

take me take me

back to your bed

I love you so much that it hurts my head

I said I don't mind you under my skin



I'll let the bad parts in...the bad parts in

Monday, October 12, 2009

PS:

don't talk about your Texas "friend" around me

I know how you talk to him

I know how you did talk to him

I know how you feel about him

I'm sorry but I don't wanna hear bout him

Saturday, October 10, 2009

passion

I want it.

I miss it

Bleh

Thursday, October 8, 2009

MAKE IT STOP

these dreams
nightmares
hauntings
curse

what ever you want to call it

I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE

I'm losing it. I can't ever sleep at night because these demons come and take over. These dreams eat me alive. I wake up panicking, angry, screaming, sweating, and annoyed. I can't sleep anymore. It's this never ending battle as these hauntings infiltrate my unconscious and spread like malignant disease. My nights have turned into tossing and turning, which leads my days filled to being a blank slate, a zombie so to speak.

What did I do to deserve this? Why did other people do this to me? Why did you do this to me? Why did I do this to myself? WHY WON'T THEY GO AWAY

I can't do it anymore.. I just can't its effecting my whole life.

Somethings gotta give, I'm going to make it give.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I found the perfect word

Ironic.

It describes everything you do or say...maybe irony isn't the word... but until I find a better word irony will do.. I want to say its almost hypocritical? but that's a little too harsh



so ironic will do for now

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Monday, October 5, 2009

Friday, October 2, 2009

"I prayed for you today"

That made me smile.

for everyone who knows my view on religon.. it kind of weird to hear me say that

but out of no where my friend Kelly tells me I prayed for you tonight. Shes big into religon we always go back and forth. but it felt good to have someone I don't know too well to tell me they prayed for me

right then and there I felt relieved and at east.

I wish I knew how to explain it

maybe its the fact it feels good to know that people care?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

It all makes sense now

I'm finally at ease

It took me awhile to understand but I do now

thank you =]

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Etenral Sunhine of the Spotless

is one of my favorite movies (I know how cliche)

but if you haven't seen it.. I suggest you do, cause you would understand.

I wish I could undergo the same procedure they use in that movie

to erase.. memories..people...things..events...

I know people say you learn from YOUR mistakes, but what if it's not YOUR mistakes. Its others peoples? I can deal and cope with what I done... but what if you can't with other peoples stuff. What if it's just so bad you want to erase it? It isn't doing you any good. It just brings you down. I just want to erase it. Whether it's a memory, certain time period, or the person themselves.

What if the pain is so deep? What can you do? You have tried to forgive..but you can't forget. Forgetting is very important, because to fully forgive you got to forget? Is it possible to fully forget something? That horrible memory or image? Even if you block it when your awake and conscious... then what bout your unconscious.. when you're sleeping? Your dreams/nightmares eat away at you. torture you and just won't let you forget?

this stupid demon, just kicking you down and down... how do you battle him? Just drop the people that caused these memories? what if it's people that "love" you. Family, girlfriend, best friends etc...?

blehhh.. theres just so much I need to erase..

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

flying isn't the impossible part

not hitting the ground is what is.






MOTIVATION WHERE YOU AT PAL!?

flying isn't the ompossible part

not hitting the ground is what is.

Monday, September 28, 2009

and all though I sold my soul

I bet you I could get a whole lot more for this broken heart of gold


I'll never understand why people make things so much more complicated then it really is





I CAN'T ESCAPE THIS DAMN DISEASE

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I'll stop stabbing

when ever you stop screaming

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I have concluded

That trust issues come from 1 of 2 different ways.

Either that someone have you a reason not to trust them

or you gave yourself a reason not to trust them.

Why do people get these? You talk to a lot of people and a lot of people when it comes down to it have "trust" issues. What does that mean? Ya don't trust your significant other when they go out? Then why are you dating them?

1) I find it more it's because most people are guilty of their fears. People have these trust issues becuase they don't want their "significant" other pulling the same shit they are. They devolp these issues from guilt. It eats away at them. The second you're alone you start talking to someone else.. in a way you shouldn't if you're dating someone else. So then currently you're backstabbing the one you're dating or whatever.. then it hits you.. what if their doing the same thing? How do I know they aren't texting other boys/girls when I'm not around. What if they're not really going home.. what if they went somewhere else.. like I did last night? What if their using the same lines on another boy/girl? What if they are saying the same stuff I am when he/she is gone? Then these trust issues form. You start acting irrational on you're significant other because you fear they are doing exactly what you have been doing.

2) Then of course you got the other side. The people who have trust issues becuase they gave you a reason. You caught them lying, red handed in the act. What do you do form there? What if it keeps reoccurring? Is it possible for someone to stop after being busted 3 or 4 times? As being positive as I am, yes I would like to think it's possible.. but logically is it? After 1 or 2 times you develope these trust issues and it turns into a lot more. So what do you do form there?

All you people with trust issues. Which one would you say is your reason?

1 or 2?

... or both?

Monday, September 21, 2009

I CAN'T ESCAPE

I tried to block it out mentally and I keep trying to forget.

Sometimes things get broken so badly you just can't put the pieces back together.

you took my heart and ripped it apart. Met some dude and threw him in my face and everyhting that happenned between you and him happenned.. and even more then I thought.

Everytime I start to block it out.. you bring it back and slap me int he face again.

It has become clear that I'm some toy.

I had a long convo with someone yesterday. and the truth is you can't do that to people

I don't help.. I kept coming back after everything you have done with this boy. The lies,sex, alcohol, secrets... I hate it. Maybe thats why you keep doing it? I've said plenty of times I wouldn't ever talk to you again.. I came back after you said you didn't want him. I came back after I found out you had sex with him..twice. I came back after you claimed you loved me.. yet texting him sexual messages, I came back after you promised to stop talking to him and yet you didn't.. I think last Friday I might have been pushed over the edge.

How do I know it different? You said like nine months ago? Nothing has changed.. you always got some boy you have kept from me..

I'm not as dumb as you think.. I'm onto you or know more then you'd ever want me to... it haunts me.

I want to stay friends... but is it possibly for my heart to let anymore go on? I want it to.. I really do.. as dumb as that sounds I do..

I just am not sure if it's possible...


if you loved me.. you wouldn't have done anything you did int he past three months

and I refuse to accept that image as love... that is not love in my book

"hes just there"

then keep him there.. I feel like hes doing you better then I am.

YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Friday, September 18, 2009

fght ff yr dmns

I swear tonight I almost let it out

I try not to let my dads side get to me

for the first time in a bout a year I wanted to hit someone

it almost felt good

I just had to leave tonight

another 5 mins there and I woulda smashed a bottle over his head

once i snap... its bad


ahhh fight it off

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Miracles

do happen... even to people like me =]

That was the best phone call I ever gotten

I can't even explain it right now

asdhfbsdf


Now all I need is for my mom to make more money then she knows what to do with and life will
be perfect

They say to live your life as if you're going to die tomorrow
and my god, life is so much better that way

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

malignancy

The human species would thrive
better in isolation,
retarded,
and without the capability of annunciation.

How would we interact with one another? With joy and happiness.
Could it be that whats inferior is really superior?
A supreme being?
Socialization is a form of regression.
Therefore the measure is nonexistent for progression.
This world cant bring me to my knees when it's dead to me.
Our society's apathy will never get the best of me.

So I live in confinement because this is bullshit, I repent.
I look at a crowd of empty faces, kids who just don't give a shit.
Free thought is scorned upon.
If you're a victim you're a pawn.
Can't cut loose with no excuse.
Unaccountable, we're enslaved and can't be saved when we believe "everything happens for a reason."

To not accept our "fate" is moral treason.
We turn a blind eye to the problems of man because it's part of gods "master plan."
Centuries of religious archetypes is how this all began.
We must break free from the shackles of thought to fucking understand.
That our fear of death is what fucking kills us.
We're slaves to our gods and we can never be free.
We can never be free of the tyranny of bigotry within the bourgeoisie.
Where a system based on greed is fucking drowning me.

Just because you close your eyes doesn't mean the world disappears.

We're truly blind when our imaginations are filled with fears.
I believe in myself and my heart.
Not religious zealotry that is used to rule you and me,
Where god is made into a cheap fucking whore.
Our lord should deserve more.
So I broke free from the fallacies.
I don't need a savior because I saved myself

last night I realized

I could spend the rest of my life with you

please forgive me for thinking that



Tuesday, September 15, 2009

If one more person

asks me whats wrong I'm going to rip their fucking head off.

I'm so over sympathy and everyone trying to do all this shit for me. What's going on in my life shouldn't effect how people treat me and I hate it. That's why I like to keep my mouth shut. very select people I share my thoughts with for a reason.

I seriously can't wait for this month to be over. SEPTEMBER sucks... badly

Now to add everything my mom got laid off.. like really?

"I love you, but at this point I'm not in love with you"

I no longer want to ever talk bout "us" again, until you're ready to learn what the word love actually means.

It's not longer bout what I want to do.. it's officially what I need to do.... sucks


I'ma be ok somehow some way I'ma be fine

PS: who ever reads this.. I'm not suicidal or even really depressed.. so don't assume anything its a blog I write my thoughts.. no matter what

Monday, September 14, 2009

The hardest thing for any man...

is to admit his flaws.

Men, specially in American society have such high standards. it's looked down upon for a man to cry, for him to show any weakness. It's even almost frowned upon for a man to love one women. I'll never get it.

For any man though, I think it's personally admitting his flaws. Which I can finally admit to.

1) My biggest fear has started coming true. I saw my dad in me bout a week back and has continued to stay in me. FUCK THAT. I refuse to go as low as him. I said some things to Nicole I should have never said. Yes, she deserved my anger, but the things that came out of my mouth... all I could think bout was my dad. Then his psycho tendencies with women. I don't want the insecurity and jealousy. I finally came to realization.. I need help. So, yesterday, I called someone that has changed me for the most. Dr. Earl. E. Williams. Yes, a psychiatrist. I'm not afraid to admit it. Some things are just outta my control and you got to admit that. You need external help. I'm not saying I can't do it by myself, but for better and faster results, yes, I need help. So starting every Monday, I'm going to see my long lost friend, a friend I owe my life to.

2)DISEASE. Everyone thinks I'm so strong.Which yes, for everything I've ever done, seen, heard, thought, dreamt or just experienced, I'm pretty proud of who I am. I'm not in jail, dead, or addicted to anything, which is quite surprising. The truth is.. Waking up everyday I feel weaker and and more sick. I'm slowly making it closer to the end.FOR ONCE I'M SCARED. I can admit that. No it ain't death that scares me the most. Its the things I might not accomplish, the people I'll never get love or show how much I love them, the events I won't witness, the fact that I think very few people would miss me. Which sounds crazy. So i go into this defense mode. I push people out. I don't want them to get hurt cause I don't know how its going to end. I become this dick to people I love, so they ll push me out. I also, don't like talking bout it, because I feel people are nicer, or just stick around with me because of this disease. I don't want that at all. That's why I don't discuss it with people. I don't want sympathy, if you don't want to be around me then don't. The fact that something might happen to me is absurd for you to stick around.
It's so dumb I know, I plan on changing this.. i can't do it anymore.

3)IRRATIONAL. I have a big problem with trying to justify my actions with other peoples mistakes. Just because they fucked up doesn't mean I got to get to their level. What I do should only depend on me. I can't get mad at people for doing the same shit I'm doing. It's absurd and I just can't do it anymore. that's a flaw that has gotta go

4) Letting go. Recently, this has become very hard for me. I used to let things go easily and forgive. Now I tend to hold things over peoples heads, not only to their face but even in my head. I HATE IT. I want it to stop. I don't hold grudges at all. it's more just their actions above their head. With me holding it above their held I make them feel as they have to prove themselves. try to outweigh the good with the bad. Instead I just bring them down and make them feel shittier. it just isn't right

I personally think those are my 4 biggest flaws, explained in depth. I know I got more, but those are the ones that are effecting me the most. I plan on changing this and already started working on it. It's never too late to make yourself a better person, no matter what the circumstances are.

I start new today... a new me is needed... a new me is here

What I've been recently is not me and I completly understand why no one would want to be around that thing.

I don't even want to be around me


Im get you back some how, some way

Saturday, September 12, 2009

hopefully

someone will miss me when I'm gone

Friday, September 11, 2009

SAVE ME!

I can't be s a v e d

It's getting worse this time. The nausea, my hair starting to thin out, my body aches, I'm losing my appetite.

I wish it would just end.

What did I do to deserve this? THIS DAMN DISEASE


I'm so over it already, and the battle has just begun.

This so called "treatment" is slowly killing my body off. I honestly don't know how much more I can go through. Its torture mentally, and physically.

I'M GOING INSANE.. SOMEONE ONE BRING ME DOWN.. I CAN'T STOP FLOATING


PS: I need you more then ever now...but still.. no where to be found.. where you at?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

For some oddly reason...

everything possible went wrong and this weekend.. crazy part is for some odd reason.. I'm perfectly content.

I also discovered that Matt is probably my smartest friend I got or maybe it's the fact we're exactly alike? Or just share a lot of the same views. Ima miss him when he goes and becomes all famous and shit. I really hope I do get tog o with him. I don't care what I do, I'm just ready to leave here.

I'm ready for alotta things, which is weird to hear me say.

As far as the women situation. I'm finally at ease. no more worrying, no more lies, no more caring.
All I want is girl friends, not a girlfriend. not for a long time at least. I just rather keep certain people close...

it feels good to grow up... some people say they are scared.. I'm not.. I've embraced it.

After this weekend I learned I probably have the biggest heart out there. I can't wait for the day i can truly show someone what I'm capable. I have a lot to offer... I truly have impressed myself

forgiving and trying to forget is all I've been used to lately.



PS: Miracles happen :)

Monday, September 7, 2009

how can you fucking....

fuckin... sleep at night

I will never be the same ever

I will never drop the words "I love you" until I'm dead

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I can taste it...

fall is slowly creeping it's way here!


Personally, my favorite season. I know to alotta people that's absurd but not to me at all.


I got many reasons for this. First, I love fall colors. Living in Virginia we got the Appalachian Trail. During November when i was little my parents used to take me all the time. The colors of all the tree during this month was insane. We used to camp there for a weekend and go explore the trails. On top of the beautiful leaves, I would watch trout travel from stream to stream. They had waterfalls that you could eat lunch by. I miss it alot, I haven't been in like five years, mostly because my parents got divorced.
Another reason why fall rules, is the clothes you get to wear. I personally love wearing hoodies, jeans, layers of clothes, beanies, and scarfs. I think people look more attractive during the fall season. Girls can get all cute in their fall outfits. I just love fall apparel.
BYE BYE HUMIDITY!!! YOU WON'T BE MISSED
It brings people closer. Fall just seems like the romantic season. The environments paints itself for everybody. Sky becomes pink/purple, leaves turn all shades of red. I love it, it makes you want to be with somebody. The cool breeze gives you a reason to be close to another.
all in all, falls pretty sw33t d00d3

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Yesterday

this is what she said
"Boy you got everything so perfect. Every girl wants you, your smile could stop the world, and you could get lost at sea with those eyes. God literally took the ocean and placed them into your eyes. What so wrong with you? I wish I was as perfect as you. I don't see why you're complaining."

I really hate when people tell me I got this perfect life. The best part of it is.. if secretly they knew anything bout me, I've been,done,seen,heard, more then any human being should ever been put through. I don't know too many people who have a more fucked up life then me.

It's all bout the attitude baby, keep on keeping on.

It's not that I have this so called perfect life, I've just worked for pretty much everything I ever earned. Life is what you make it, despise everything that has ever happened to me, I'm still positive.

So watch what comes out of your mouth before you tell someone "you got this perfect life"

no one does

Monday, August 31, 2009

Saturday, August 29, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

to me bitchessssssssssss


today is my day.. and I just ain't giving a fuck

Thursday, August 27, 2009

free falling

has never felt so good. Sometimes not having control and completely losing yourself is what you need. Its like when they say you can never truly love someone until you had your heart broken and left alone. So it would make sense you can't find yourself untilll you lose yourself.

you have to find out what you are not, before you can really say what you are..

Monday, August 24, 2009

I just want you

to make me b e l i e v e

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I'm just

dying to live

and living to die

Friday, August 21, 2009

...

I feel so shitty

it all makes sense now

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"You have to believe that life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo."

but what if you can't put the pieces together in the first place?

I personally don't think anyone will be able to interpret this painting correctly

but my god does it fit how I feel perfectly right now

Sunday, August 16, 2009

THIS IS WHERE

WE SCREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM



Summers coming to an end

I can honestly say.. I think I'm ready for it to end

Plus, Falls my favorite season anyhow :)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The word "forever"

doesn't have a meaning when you're living in the moment

Sunday, August 9, 2009

What a ramble

So It's been awhile since I've wrote in here really. 

Anyways Jersey: I last wrote right before I left. So here it goes. My trip was amazing. I needed it. It felt amazing to be surrounded by people I didn't know and they were all just so happy. It was a step outta my circle I called life. and Jenny... she is an amazing person. It felt nice to just have someone to talk to bout EVERYTHING... what the scariest part is.. she understands.  It was amazing to just have someone who seemed to care.. a girl that for the first time I was single to not just try and get in my pants. Thats all thats been thrown at me and I hate it. I'm just not like that anymore. Anyways, Jersey, I saw a lot of sweet shit. She took me to an overlook where we sat on her car and could just see the NYC skyline.. my god is that a site. Its weird to be surrounded by all this grim,hate,dirt, evil, trashy and just a horrible world and then see something like that. A product of this fucked up world... and yet so beautiful. It almost gives you hope.. you stop and realize... that maybe there is a point to this gift us humans call life. Like despite even the worst of things... there beauty in it somehow.

Also, NYC total fun. I definitely stuck out up there... let me tell you. Every where I went people just talked bout me. Jenny noticed it too. I really liked it up there.. and I would like to visit often, but no way in hell could I ever live there. People are just too busy, too stuck up, and forget what it is to even feel real

On my trip I think I finally realized what I want after college. That is to travel. EVERYWHERE. Starting with the U.S. there are a few more cities I'd like to see from my home country. Then I plan to leave, Australia first and then eventually I'd like to make it to Europe. I just want to go untill like my late 20s then learn what a family feels like.

Which I know, I'm writing a lot, but this was the thing that I.. well I don't know how to say it.. caught me off guard.. or just different to me. Was the fact the whole time I was away I was surrounded by families. 

I'M 20 YEARS OLD AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT FAMILY MEANS

I woke up to warm smiles, laughter, and just Jennys family joining in for breakfast. Like wow, that was so foreign to me.. I just couldn't grasp it. A family.. doing family things.  As I sat there and observed her family, I just thought bout how for once.. maybe one wouldn't be so sad. That this is how a family is suppose to work. No alcohol, no fighting, no abuse, no lies, no empty words, not feeling numb. I was almost horrified that I started feeling like this. I wanted to be apart of her family.. and no it wasn't like that... just a sense of belonging.. that I someday hope I can hold onto this thing called family. It gave me hope.. sometimes you kinda lose focus on hope and start to realize that things just happen. SOme people aren't meant to have a family, to be loved,  to end in a happy ending. Happy endings can't be written for everyone.. that's just too many people to write one for, it's so much easier to accept the fact that sometimes everything just won't be ok. For once in my life, while I was sitting there, observing her family in action.. I realized that... there is still hope.. and that some day... I will own one of these families. 

Not a broken home, no empty words, no lies, no unfilled promises. Just love, which brings some despair. 

Everything has a price doesn't it? After seeing all this.. I would give up anything



I am now working on no longer living in fear.. It feels amazing :)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

SAVE ME!

I can't be s a v e d

I won't

I don't need no love


I see the path your eyes take
and I want to join you

Monday, August 3, 2009

Im here...

but im not ever really h e r e

have
you
e
v
e
r
?
been driving on a bridge and had the urge to to just drive off..

not even as a suicide attempt but to see what would happen?

Is it worth it?

You could black out and not remember anything but just being asleep.. then it comes down to it.. do you want to wake up? Is it worth waking up?

You know once you wake up some things will never be the same? but is that so bad? Do you honestly want things to be different? Maybe "different" just isn't so bad.. maybe that different is what you needed all along in your life?

What do you do when you ain't afraid to die? Would you call it losing hope? Does hope even really exist? All fear is based around some way of dying. You fear something because it could hurt you.. and eventually kill you. What is you don't fear death? Does this make you invincible? Is it possible for a human to be invincible?

Im so glad I took this road trip of mine. It felt good to get away of what I use to call "home" cause I realized I don't have a home. I don't know if I ever will. I don't see that so bad though? Who needs a home? Home is for people who want security.. maybe I don't want that? Maybe the fact of never knowing whats going to happen next is the best part? Who wants to know.. I sure as hell don't..

I realized next summer I plan on going for a 5 week trip just to everywhere. Map it out and just go.. different people every day.. different scenery every day.. a different me everyday

I slowly realized so much about myself this past week. Just bout everything in a positive way. It feels good.

I just ain't ready to head home

it felt AMAZING TO JUST GET AWAY

AHHHHH

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I don't think I have ever

been this confused in my life

I dont know how to explain this state of mine im in


at all

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Unanswered

And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who was dead alive again. There's another thing to learn about tears, they can't make somebody who doesn't love you any more love you again. It's the same with prayers. I wonder how much of their lives people waste crying and praying to God. If you ask me, the devil makes more sense than God does. I can at least see why people would want him around. It's good to have somebody to blame for the bad stuff they do. Maybe God's there because people get scared of all the bad stuff they do. They figure that God and the Devil are always playing this game of tug-of-war game with them. And they never know which side they're gonna wind up on. I guess that tug-of-war idea explains how sometimes, even when people try to do something good, it still turns out bad.

Friday, July 24, 2009

FATE vs. FREE WILL

are you capable of choosing what we want in life?

or were you predestined to do whatever, that some higher power pre-packaged our life before we were ever born.

I just can't believe in the whole destiny thing.. I mean i do to an extent but not on my whole life.

I believe you choose your path, no makes you make the decisions you make. You choose them and therefore should be held responsible. I refuse to believe that some higher power is in control of me.. what would be the point? In that case i was created to die before I'm even 21 from a disease. As much as its been brough up and all these medical things going on in my life.. I just won't grasp that. I won't accept the fact that some disease will be my demise in like a year.. just no way. I talk bout it with people and they get all sad. I mean it's depressing yes, but not to me?

I start treatment in like two weeks and I'm kinda nervous yes. There will be alot of side effects once I start but I know I'll be fine.

On the fate part.. I do believe some things are fate... Its really funny how life can play its self out. I'm glad the past few weeks that I over came everything within myself. I didn't have to show my emotions out.. just learned how to deal with them. How to let go, not just of the whole girl situation, but just of myself. It's all learning experiences and I don't regret a thing. In a weird sense I'm kinda glad everything came crashing down on me. It proved I can handle my self. It taught me how to cope with a lot, that I can overcome anything, even this damn disease. I learned so much bout myself the past few weeks and it's amazing. I love who I have became/becoming. years ago I never thought I'd be this mature on so many situations.

Was it fate with the jenny thing? A girl I've talked to for at least what? 7 months now? and then all of a sudden all this happened.. like right at the perfect time. It's so crazy how everything just falls together. Nicole tells me she won't go to warped tour with me.. and then 20 minutes later jenny calls and I went with her. Is it a coincidence? Fate? Luck? I don't know what to call it the past few days. I just know I met her for a reason. That our story so far is one of a movie. No we ain't in love or even close. to be honest.. I don't think I'll ever experience love.. I mean I'd like to someday? I ain't in no rush I like just letting things happen.. life's so much better when you just go with it. Stop living in denial, stop living a lie, it just don't work. You slowly destroy yourself and just dig it deeper. You have to sort yourself out before you can worry bout other people. FIND WHO YOU ARE. Love yourself before you can someone else. I personally can say that I do love myself. I look at other people and not to be cocky, but I just know that I'm so much better then that.

Its kinda of crazy to see how happy I am when besides the whole jenny thing, everything around me has come crashing down. Whether it's girls, house life, my life whatever. It feels good to take a step outta everything and just watch it go by. To not stress over it, it ain't worth it, not even this cancer bullshit.

I absolutely love who I'm growing up to be, and it sucks for whoever doesn't want to be a part of that.

I got so much to offer.. oh so much :)


7 days :)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

If I could take

Yesterday and put it on repeat then I would be content

it has been FOREVER since a girl has got me like that

hands down, most romantic kiss, no doubt.. I didn't even plan it hahaha


it feels good, to be so happy again




jersey took my heart... <3

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

She just

grabbed me by the wrist and and locked her hands with mine

the moon lit up the whole dance floor

the only music we had was the waves crashing down like our lives

she started to move out feet slowly and I could tell we were floating

the waves came crawling up onto our ankles, almost as if they were just washing our pasts away


It was the most real feeling I've had in awhile, just slow dancing on the beach as waves brushed us

we danced our troubles away that night, we let the waves take our pain away

as she went to kiss me, I met her, but it wasn't that kind of kiss

It was the kind of kiss that just happens, because that moment is too good to pass out, we would both be foolish for passing that up.. it was just n e e d e d

and the best part was.. I was at ease

Sunday, July 19, 2009

someday

youll realize what I meant to you

realized that was we had was r e a l

realized that there is nothing to f e a r with love

realized that mistakes happen

that you just can't shut everyone out

it just won't get you far


Some day you'll give us a second chance

and realized that we are infinite <3 class="text">"There is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love."

some day kid, some day

We arn't nothing to fear.. and it sucks it ever came to this

you shouldnt ever feel shitty bout yourself. You are the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. The most amazing person i ever met.. you're my angel.. my cure.... my everything<3 you are my other half... there ain't no denying it


but I will always be here <3>

Saturday, July 18, 2009

less then two weeks!!!

bye bye Virginia Beach

I'm so excited

I need it... oh god only knows I need it


It feels good to be back on my feet again

sup JZ?

hahaha

Friday, July 17, 2009

Dear fear:

you ain't got nothing on this

never again

:)

dont be s c a r e d

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

sometimes...

there just is not enough rocks...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Last night

I was standing there with a few people

Just washing the waves crash down... I was in a complete trance...

Then I felt her grab my hand.. which startled me.. as she did she whispered in my ear

"Wave goodbye to the past, you've got your whole life to lead"

and she was right

she was so right

Monday, July 13, 2009

I feel..rather

enlightened

I had the craziest dream last night and it just felt so real, I can't really describe it on here

It was one of them life changing dreams

I think this sunday I might actually go to church...


weeirrrrdddd

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Its not what I want anymore

it's now bout what I got to do

I need to face reality that it's over

you don't want this.. and I can respect that

I'm letting go of you, one day at a time.

I miss smiling, eating,sleeping, you, us, myself.

If you aren't willing to give us a second chance.. then maybe it isn't worth it

It's like my mom said, you can only do so much.

I've done everything I think I possibly could

You found someone that makes you happy... eventually I'll get there sooner or later.


I start letting go as of now.

I won't lie it won't be easy, I can't do rebounds.


I know I have a lot to offer someone and if you don't want it then I'm sorry. You're right though, It's sad it took me this long to open up and show you everything.

But after the past week I got a new perspective on life

and NOTHING is holding me back... not even fear

I can promise you that <3

Stay happy kid... stay happy

Saturday, July 11, 2009

truth be told

I ain't afraid of it anymore

in a weird sense...

I'm kind of ready?

Friday, July 10, 2009

I want to...

Scream your name to the deafest of the dumb.
The darker the better, I still shake when I see you, that's not alright.
I want to rip you to pieces.
Kiss you until you remember what I meant to you.




I will try my hand at forever.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Sometimes

people put up walls not to keep everyone out, but to see who thinks it's worth taking it down

Starting yesterday, I live my life in a completely different context

and it's for the better

ain't nothing holding me back no more


watch out vegas-her words kill

currently, this song seems to fit me perfectly, i can relate to every word written in that song



maybe I'm a walking miracle...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

What if?

a group of medical professionals told you you had a certain time frame to live.

They actually put a life expectancy on you?

How do you react?
What do you say?
What do you do?
You change your views completely?

I think some people forget that life could end at any time.

but the biggest question is...

where do I go from here?

Monday, July 6, 2009

In the end

there is nothing you can do

It's out of my reach now I've done all I can do

I won't kick myself over it no more

Thanks to some people for today, I really needed it

I know from here on out I'ma be ok

I'm just staying away from females for away

it's time to let go, not just of nicole but of my past.

Like Bo said, The Hero can take care of himself

and I will do that


If we're really in love then you'll realize what you're passing up, people search their whole life time looking for something we once had.

that's all there is to it

if not, then it was learning experience, we weren't ever in love.. who knows what we were

today, I will never let fear hold me back

never again

Dear Parents:

I will never forgive you guys for what you have done to me
I don't think anyone who has never been in the situation will realize how much a divorce has on their kid. Thanks to you guys I have questioned every single thing in my life that has ever had to do with the world love. Thanks you to guys for 17 years of my life I didn't even fucking believe in the word. I dispised the word. You guys shower me the word love was cheating, alcohol, abuse and fighting. In the end to get a divorce after 10 years of being married.

Now thank you. For the first time ever I have understood what the word meant. I started to erase this definition of the word that you guys drilled in my head for 14 years of my life. That "love" is not something you should be afraid or fear. ITS NOT SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE THROWN AWAY. you guys made me second guess probably one of the only pure things in my life. For tyhis I could never forgivr you

I can never forgive you guys for the pain, mistrust, dillusions, people I've lost, pushed out, jaded or anything. I will never forgive you for making me lose something that I thought NEVER EVER existed.

Well no thanks to you two I know the word exists. I know what it means. It so much better then what I ever grew up and thought it meant. Now I have lost it thanks to you too

but from this day on I will never let you two hold me back. I made the own defintion of love and it's so much better then what you two taught me.

Never again will I push someone out that I was heads over heels for, becuase I'm scared. Scarted to end up like you two miserable people. Scard to become an alcoholic like my father. Scared becuase in the end I believed i was going to get hurt

FUCK THAT

from here on out, I will carry this word with the utmost meaning. If I ever say it again it will not be what I grew up thinking this word meant, but what I have formed out of it.

The fact that loves does in the end conquer all, It is infact THE BEST FEELING you can ever withold.

Now thank to you two, who knows if I will ever expierence that again.

Thanks you parents <3 you guys did swell in teaching me to fear the most sacred feeling in humans history


Ima show you two this post one day, I swear just so you really know what you guys did to me and how wrong you guys were

I have hit rock bottom

I've officially got nothing to lose

not even my dignity

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

It'll make you say

oh god! Why was I wrong?
I missed the whole meaning when it was spelled out all along


ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS
(for once, please prove me wrong... just once... just once....)

Monday, June 29, 2009

it was never

bout what I wanted

but what I needed

theres a huge difference

I've never ever felt this shitty in my life

The word "love" can go fuck itself

along with any other synonym for it

Friday, June 26, 2009

goodbye

to you

and everything that I knew

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I try so hard

can't seem to get myself away from misery

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I'm not too sure why




haha I love this picture

taken friday of matt and hannah and I

I'm back to my fun self again...

I don't need all this in my life



Tuesday, June 23, 2009

It's official

I'm comfortably numb again.

Something I haven't felt in awhile

I wouldn't say I exactly miss it?

but it's normal for me

it's all I'm used to

:)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I suppose it's time

to just accept it


i never wanted it to come to this

but oh well.. it was out of my control

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Monday, June 15, 2009

This is the last

post I will ever write bout you

I tried and tried and I officially give up

I'm blocking you out in all ways possible for awhile


Thanking you for making this so much easier on me.. now you can move on since it's so easy for you..

unfortunately I will admit, it isn't for me, specially knowing none of it was my fault so now I'm blocking you out

cause I ain't happy and I'm not stupid enough to pretend

I just can't lie..specially to myself

you had your chance and I suppose I just wasn't worth it

so goodbye


After yesterday you made me realize it isn't worth it

you lost me forever

now you got what you want

so leave me alone so I can move on since you can so easily

fuck off

Sunday, June 14, 2009

It's time

you'll thank me one day... trust me

Friday, June 12, 2009

More than anything

I just want these fucking thoughts out of my head

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Bored in class

I haven't gotten to post as much as I'd like to recently.

Summe ris officially here, the beach days, bush gardens, beach parties, being all sandy, surfing, enjoying the wetaher, and all of that is offically back.

It just sucks to still be in school during the summer. It will be even worse in like two weeks when Virginia Public schools end and the senior graduate.

but hey i got a break coming july so it's cool.

It's not like I even have anything planned for the summer, so yeah.

I can't wait till the summer after I graduate college. I plan to work the whole summer and top off my savings and then move to Australia.

I CAN'T WAIT

anyone who has talked to me knows that it's been my life dream since I was like 14 to move there.

IT WILL HAPPEN

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Sanity

Ill regain my sanity

when these goodbyes become memories

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It's true

the hardest thing for just about any guy is talk about their emotions. It's a proven fact that no guy like to feel he is vulnerable. It's a sign of weakness which in the male gender, is not wanted. We want to be tough, hard headed and essentially numb. For a man to love someone he has to admit vulnerability. The fact he can accept he was a weakness. This weakness being whatever girl/man in his life. I guess that was the hardest thing for me to accept so long. I have been numb for as long as I can remember. I was invulnerable to emotions and people. Nothing mattered to me. Now all of that has changed for me. I have realized what it's like to feel. I have met someone who has somehow made me vulnerable. What scares people so much is the fact that being vulnerable means you can so easily be crushed.

this is where you decide... is it worth it or not?

I have decided it's worth it, I'm willing to admit I'm now vulnerable for someone. That this one girl could so easily crush my world.

I am in fact in love with my girlfriend Nicole Leigh Baumbach

and I officially have no problem admitting that

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Best feeling to me...

I felt it again last night

all though it was a bit too chilly, it's laying in sand with someone or people close to you while looking at the stars. I love doing it when I'm high and just laying there staring into space. It makes you question everything you've ever believed. Everything looks so infinite from the beach. Like for those moments in time everything is so surreal. There are no problems , no pain, no stress or anything. I love the warm sand between my toes and the cool breeze on my face. I could lay in the sand forever with certain people.

I needed that last night. I've been so stressed out lately. I'm starting to realize how much time I really don't have to fit in my friends, school, girlfriend, and family. Everyone wants so much from me and I just can't deliver. Sorry but my school is coming before anybody. I've started to slip up a little recently because I let my friends and girlfriend get in the way. I'm sorry but I'm re evaluating my priorities.. I got to see what I really have spare time for anymore. My school work is picking up.. with every new class.. which means it's time to dedicate more time into that and less into other things

bleh... we shall see though.. It's practically summer time.. but it sure as hell don't feel like it

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Last night.

I went to the Parkway Drive and MCMB show which I haven't been to a show in some time. First thing when I get there is I realize I know practically nobody at all. Everybody was new or looked like they were still in high school. Finally, later on more kids that I knew ended up showing up, but it was so weird. I felt old in a sense.

overall, the show was fun though. I jumped off the bar, which is only my second time doing so at this venue. It was perfect because there were like 200 kids all bundled up in this tiny bar. I forgot how much fun shows are when tons of kids are there. I think the crowd was craziest for mychildren mybride. Which is weird because I was there the first time they ever came to my area. I think the lead singer is the only original member.

Which I miss his sister a lot. Even though shes from Alabama we used to be really close. She started dating this guy and pretty much left the face of the Earth. SO I HATE YOU BETHANY HASTING

Anyways, i came out all hot and sweaty but unharmed. Unlike many other kids who I saw bleeding... that shit must suck

I can't wait for another decent show to come... I miss head walking hahaha

Yesterday was a lot of fun though