5 am.

What I'ma bout to write might seem bold to post online, but I have no choice. No where else to go. I've got no one left to vent to, no one to listen, no one to care.

At 5:15 am I wake up to bright lights and unfamiliar faces. I finally gain my vision somewhat and look over and there is my mom, crying her heart out. I realize where I'm at and go to scream but nothing comes out. I got a hose the size of my throat down my throat. Only thing next is tears and lots of them.

I tried to kill myself last night. No I'm not suicidal as contradictory as that sounds. I tried to off my sleep and around 5am my mom came to check on me worried. then she found that i wasn't waking up and immediately rushed me to the hospital.

Last night I saw a part of me come out I've never seen before. I am at a lost of words for what became of my. I have let everyone down. I'm slowly killing myself off. I'm hurting people that don't deserve it. I do not want to be this way.

As for you, I know I lost you, I would like to think not for good, just for some time, because I need you now more then ever. Just as my best friend. I really need one. I've got no one to vent to and it's all built up. Words can never explain how I feel towards you or this situation. I'm tired of saying sorry, I'm sure you're tired of hearing it. For what I've done I hope I can some day come to terms with. I love you with all of my heart, it's not going to change. I know you lost everything for me, but as for now, I hope to regain your friendship because I need it so bad.

As for matt and shawn. Matt you didn't deserve any of that last night. You're an amazing guy and you did the right thing. She didn't wanna be there last night and even though you were wasted you still came and got her. I shouldn't have taken anything out on you. You're way too amazing for that kid. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I know it will be heart but I hope you do. I am truly sorry for what happened and how I handled myself.

As of last night I made the decision to stop everything. I am no long drinking for a while. After I seen hat demon dad come out of me last night. I want nothing to do with it. I'm giving it up, I don't care what setting I'm in. I do not want to drink until I'm back in my own skin. I want no more demons in me.

I'm ready to clean up, straighten up and man up. Even though I don't know if Ill get certain people back I can improve myself. I am so much better then how I've been. that is not me and I definitely won't settle that for me.

I can't even look myself in the mirror without getting disgusted or wanting to punch it.


Serious change starts today and nothings holding me back. I only need positive reinforcement in my life. I have got way too much shit to battle for any 20 year old ot handle, but i can do it. I'm so much better then what people think of me.


I seriously hate myself and I never have in my life.. I'm ready to love myself

this is where I face my fears. I can only take it one step at a time.

Goodbye past, fuck you, I'm starting clean