Men, specially in American society have such high standards. it's looked down upon for a man to cry, for him to show any weakness. It's even almost frowned upon for a man to love one women. I'll never get it.
For any man though, I think it's personally admitting his flaws. Which I can finally admit to.
1) My biggest fear has started coming true. I saw my dad in me bout a week back and has continued to stay in me. FUCK THAT. I refuse to go as low as him. I said some things to Nicole I should have never said. Yes, she deserved my anger, but the things that came out of my mouth... all I could think bout was my dad. Then his psycho tendencies with women. I don't want the insecurity and jealousy. I finally came to realization.. I need help. So, yesterday, I called someone that has changed me for the most. Dr. Earl. E. Williams. Yes, a psychiatrist. I'm not afraid to admit it. Some things are just outta my control and you got to admit that. You need external help. I'm not saying I can't do it by myself, but for better and faster results, yes, I need help. So starting every Monday, I'm going to see my long lost friend, a friend I owe my life to.
2)DISEASE. Everyone thinks I'm so strong.Which yes, for everything I've ever done, seen, heard, thought, dreamt or just experienced, I'm pretty proud of who I am. I'm not in jail, dead, or addicted to anything, which is quite surprising. The truth is.. Waking up everyday I feel weaker and and more sick. I'm slowly making it closer to the end.FOR ONCE I'M SCARED. I can admit that. No it ain't death that scares me the most. Its the things I might not accomplish, the people I'll never get love or show how much I love them, the events I won't witness, the fact that I think very few people would miss me. Which sounds crazy. So i go into this defense mode. I push people out. I don't want them to get hurt cause I don't know how its going to end. I become this dick to people I love, so they ll push me out. I also, don't like talking bout it, because I feel people are nicer, or just stick around with me because of this disease. I don't want that at all. That's why I don't discuss it with people. I don't want sympathy, if you don't want to be around me then don't. The fact that something might happen to me is absurd for you to stick around.
It's so dumb I know, I plan on changing this.. i can't do it anymore.
3)IRRATIONAL. I have a big problem with trying to justify my actions with other peoples mistakes. Just because they fucked up doesn't mean I got to get to their level. What I do should only depend on me. I can't get mad at people for doing the same shit I'm doing. It's absurd and I just can't do it anymore. that's a flaw that has gotta go
4) Letting go. Recently, this has become very hard for me. I used to let things go easily and forgive. Now I tend to hold things over peoples heads, not only to their face but even in my head. I HATE IT. I want it to stop. I don't hold grudges at all. it's more just their actions above their head. With me holding it above their held I make them feel as they have to prove themselves. try to outweigh the good with the bad. Instead I just bring them down and make them feel shittier. it just isn't right
I personally think those are my 4 biggest flaws, explained in depth. I know I got more, but those are the ones that are effecting me the most. I plan on changing this and already started working on it. It's never too late to make yourself a better person, no matter what the circumstances are.
I start new today... a new me is needed... a new me is here
What I've been recently is not me and I completly understand why no one would want to be around that thing.
I don't even want to be around me
Im get you back some how, some way
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