Anyways Jersey: I last wrote right before I left. So here it goes. My trip was amazing. I needed it. It felt amazing to be surrounded by people I didn't know and they were all just so happy. It was a step outta my circle I called life. and Jenny... she is an amazing person. It felt nice to just have someone to talk to bout EVERYTHING... what the scariest part is.. she understands. It was amazing to just have someone who seemed to care.. a girl that for the first time I was single to not just try and get in my pants. Thats all thats been thrown at me and I hate it. I'm just not like that anymore. Anyways, Jersey, I saw a lot of sweet shit. She took me to an overlook where we sat on her car and could just see the NYC skyline.. my god is that a site. Its weird to be surrounded by all this grim,hate,dirt, evil, trashy and just a horrible world and then see something like that. A product of this fucked up world... and yet so beautiful. It almost gives you hope.. you stop and realize... that maybe there is a point to this gift us humans call life. Like despite even the worst of things... there beauty in it somehow.
Also, NYC total fun. I definitely stuck out up there... let me tell you. Every where I went people just talked bout me. Jenny noticed it too. I really liked it up there.. and I would like to visit often, but no way in hell could I ever live there. People are just too busy, too stuck up, and forget what it is to even feel real.
On my trip I think I finally realized what I want after college. That is to travel. EVERYWHERE. Starting with the U.S. there are a few more cities I'd like to see from my home country. Then I plan to leave, Australia first and then eventually I'd like to make it to Europe. I just want to go untill like my late 20s then learn what a family feels like.
Which I know, I'm writing a lot, but this was the thing that I.. well I don't know how to say it.. caught me off guard.. or just different to me. Was the fact the whole time I was away I was surrounded by families.
I'M 20 YEARS OLD AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT FAMILY MEANS
I woke up to warm smiles, laughter, and just Jennys family joining in for breakfast. Like wow, that was so foreign to me.. I just couldn't grasp it. A family.. doing family things. As I sat there and observed her family, I just thought bout how for once.. maybe one wouldn't be so sad. That this is how a family is suppose to work. No alcohol, no fighting, no abuse, no lies, no empty words, not feeling numb. I was almost horrified that I started feeling like this. I wanted to be apart of her family.. and no it wasn't like that... just a sense of belonging.. that I someday hope I can hold onto this thing called family. It gave me hope.. sometimes you kinda lose focus on hope and start to realize that things just happen. SOme people aren't meant to have a family, to be loved, to end in a happy ending. Happy endings can't be written for everyone.. that's just too many people to write one for, it's so much easier to accept the fact that sometimes everything just won't be ok. For once in my life, while I was sitting there, observing her family in action.. I realized that... there is still hope.. and that some day... I will own one of these families.
Not a broken home, no empty words, no lies, no unfilled promises. Just love, which brings some despair.
Everything has a price doesn't it? After seeing all this.. I would give up anything
I am now working on no longer living in fear.. It feels amazing :)
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