Sunday, November 29, 2009

Forgive me!

It's been like five days since I've posted, but truth is I haven't been home more then a hour besides thanksgiving since Tuesday.

This thanks giving break was AMAZING and very much needed.

My break consisted of:
seeing old friends, Angela came home!, adventures with Erin, sleepovers, snuggle seshs, rooftop dancing, drinking, watching the town light up, parades, tattoos, up all night talks, car singing, mini road trip, drunk talks with people I never thought I'd be close to, being romanced,drunk with my mom, guitar hero!,passionate kisses(sober ones, which are best), ice skating!, movies, FUCKING SHIT UP. That basically covers up the past five days... with out elaborating.

First time I get to sleep in my bed since Monday night haha, I've missed it :(

Tattoo:

This is a tattoo I've wanted for awhile. It has a lot of meaning behind it.
1) The brotherhood. I love every single dude related to this. I love what we stand for. A lot of people get the wrong idea, but truth is we arent no "gang". We are a crew, a brotherhood. A group for self improvement, to help us when we think no one is there.
"The best feeling is not the fact that they have my back, but the fact I have theirs"

972....down fo lyfe faggots

2) After all the bullshit I've been through it has made me ruthless. I wouldn't say it's negative, but it has kept me pressing on. Its a nasty world out there and everyone has to be ruthless.





PS: I still care. It's just easier to not care. I hope you forgive me someday. I can honestly say I forgive you for everything and it feels good. Hopefully some day you do the same. Al though I won't lie it'd be nice if you stayed out of my dreams... don't take it personal.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

You'll never find anyone who believes in you as much as I do

I can honestly say that. Through thick and thin I was there..
I never left and even when you said by then you woulda been gone.

It's sad that something that beautiful we had comes to this..nothing..almost hate.

There is no one to blame for what is happening I guess... Sorry thing is most of it is out of our control.

There alot of things both of us need to work on as us being friends again
I hope some day you lose the attitude towards me, the hostility, THAT I CAN JOKE WITH YOU. We can laugh bout everything. When we first met I used to be able to joke around with you about other boys and now it's always me hating. I'll never get it?
It's so hypocritical because through everything you were allowed to say shit, makes comments, bash me online.. and the second I do it it was done, you hated me, told me to leave you alone.

I love you kid, you're an amazing person once you let your guard down.. I hope you let your new boy discover that.. don't do him like you did me at first... it messes you up.

The sorry thing is is after it's all said and done I have every reason to want nothing to do with you. but I can't help it, I've seent he real you, I know you're not as heartless as you make yourself seem, I know I don't bring out the worse in you, I know who you really are behind that huge wall you built called an attitude. Its beautiful and whoever is next to discover that is so lucky.

I don't care how much shit you have to talk on me cause I won't do it back...

The past few weeks I have been the most mature person I ever met. Nothings going to turn me around. I'm so much stronger then what people think, I'm so much better then what you've recently made me out to be, I'm so much better then what I turned myself into. The fact that all this has been happening and I'm completely content says alot.

This is my final blog I write bout you. I know time and space will do us good, so here it goes. Just know I'm always wishing the best for you, just know I'm always with you. At your best and at your worst.

I can't wait for the day till you talk to me again about everything. I feel like I have no idea who you are anymore..it sucks.. I miss you as a friend alot

You'll never find any person who believes in you as much as I do.. and if you do.. I pray to god you never let them go

Best of luck kid <3

This world can't bring me to my knees, when it's dead to me

I'm officially emotionally numb again.

I can't feel anything anymore.

I'm back to my comfort zone, it's what I'm used to so why change it now?

I just don't care anymore, seriously FUCK IT ALL

ahh it feels good to be "home"


Oh god the world is fucked
OH GOD...I'm FUCKED!

hahaha

PS: thanks.. I feel so much better bout myself now... =]

OH BTW ERIN COMES HOME TOMORROW! This is going to be such a fun break!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Clear mind

I'm still not sure what happened last night.
I'm still confused for why you have so much anger towards me.

In the end I knew you'd end up hating me and I tried to prevent it, sadly it didn't work.

I blame no one for what happened between us, there is no one to blame.

It isn't your fault or anybody's. I shouldn't listen to what people say, but they just knew how to get to me. I listen to the voice mail Brady left me after you told them what happened and I find it immature to threaten me for something thats is their fault.

I lost you over some dumb bullshit that was completely out of our control, you hate me for something I'm not too sure why.. . I hope some day you tell me.

In the end all I ever wanted was for you to be happy, I some day hope you realize that, I know my selfish ways didn't help and made cloudy judgements.

I never thought that we'd come to this.. something so special destroyed and out of our control.

I can't wait till this all passes over.

Oh and I'm glad we talked last night. I really needed to clear things up with you. I just wanted to make sure we're both on the same page. I know we both kinda lost ourselves but I look forward to us.. what ever we become.. you're an amazing girl and I have a lot of fun with you.. we shall see what it comes from that.. I'm terribly sorry you got the wrong impression of me :( and I'm sure i didn't help out your situation at all

"rock-a-bye" =]

Sunday, November 22, 2009

FORGIVE ME

But as for now this is goodbye. I can't stand to watch you be with some one else, and I definitely can't be harassed bout it by him and his friend.

I have to push you out to give you want you want. If you wanna be happy then I have to disappear for awhile because right now as long as I talk to you I'm always going to want you.

Forgive me for deleting you out of my phone completely, I just can't be tempted anymore. I have to let you go, else I'm going to feel like shit bout myself for way too long.

maybe some day youll realize we won't go back to what we were and that we could start new. Maybe someday you'll realize it wasn't just me scared when we dated.. that you pushed me out just as much.

I think this is the most mature thing I've ever done. It feels good your friends agree, specially after letting them listen to the voicemail I had received that started this. I wish you would listen to it...maybe it'd change your perpestive on everything.I'm glad they don't blame me for not wanting to be apart of it anymore.. i can't do it.. it's tearing me apart..

As for now, I have no diea why you hate me so much, but I hope some day I understand. I wish you'd talk to me, but you never could with me, I hope that changes someday too. You mean the world to me and always will..

I was pushing you out to make you happy, so you didn't have to hear my shit. SO I couldn't be harassed anymore. I know youll be happy in the end.. i don't care even if its with him.. personally I hope he proves everyone wrong.. you deserve someone amazing..

I look forward to the day this all clears and we can eventually be friends again and who knows maybe something more.

I never had intentions of making you miserable but I could see I wasn't doing you any good now.. i made this decision in the most unshelfish way possible..maybe some day you'll realize that.. to had nothing to do to make you miserable.. it was for you to be free of my shit, for me to get over you, for us to have time.

I know I'ma be ok.. it just sucks.. this will be harder then quitting smoking and biting my nails.

Forgive me kid, but you completely got the wrong idea out of all of this, best of luck <3

"don't ever let them say you ain't beautiful, they can all get fucked, just stay true to you"

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

Dear God:

make me a bird so I can fly far far a w a y


"Everything that happens is from now on."

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Phone Conversations

I honestly can't remember where I talked on the phone for hours on end

This girl has helped me through more I can remember, she's known me at my fworst. Since 8th grade, the one person who has helped me more then anybody. It's crazy how much I can say I owe to her.. I don't know if I'd even be alive today without her.

Anyways, while on the phone with her we picked myself apart. Make a list of everything bout me and divided them into positive and negative groups. An hour later I'm looking at this paper I made and I'm staring at everything negative about me. As I start there staring at this I realized that most of it has been going away, or stuff that I can easily change. It feels so good to be back to myself. Everybody notices it, I'm so happy it's almost disgusting.

For the first time last night I realized that I do indeed love myself. I love who I'm becoming, who I am, my goals, my ambitions, my thoughts, my motives, my perspective and the hardest part my flaws. Most men can't accept their flaws but I can and I love them. By loving them I want to change them so I can improve myself. You always remind me of how to love myself, Like i used to over a year ago. I am one of the most beautiful human beings ever created, I've been through more shit then any 20 yr old could handle, and I'm still trucking.

It's so much easier when you just push out of the negative things in your life, you just don't got time for them.

Loving yourself is honestly the best feeling you could ever feel. You get that invincibility shield around you.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

shhhhhh

"aw Branden you're such a sweet heart, why did you have to bring Matt with you to my party?"



That made me smile so much haha thank you =]

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Sit back and watch, as the sky fall down

So last night didn't turn out how I wanted to at all

It started off alright, went to complete shit, then turned into one of the most beautiful nights ever.

Unfortunately, I ended up going by myself. I met up with a few people down in Sandbridge but I didn't really hang out with them.

I set up my own spot by like 1am and listen to pandora. I was in horrible mood at first, I have never felt more horrible about myself as I did last night. Then about 30 mins into laying there

The sky starts to fall. Every star I saw shoot across the sky I made a wish. About 50 wishes in I realize they are all pretty much the same thing, just worded differently. Each single wish I made was inspired by you. In the middle of me making wishes, Float On by Modest Mouse comes on. I went from crying to laughing as I made wishes. Doing this a sudden feeling of nostalgalic takes over. I just smiled, making wishes, thinking of you.

In the end I made probably close to 200-300 wishes. All along the same lines, so I'm hoping some form of my wish comes true.. its bound to happen.. at least I can always wish....

Monday, November 16, 2009

It felt amazing

everything.

I can't explain it but this is the happiest I have felt it so long.

1) Brand New was amazing
2)Road trip was needed
3)RVA is always a good time.

I find it ironic how things happen. I don't know if you'd call it fate or coincidence. I guess it depends how you look at it. All I know is she made me feel amazing. I can't remember the last time I was romanced or the last time i fell asleep holding somebody and waking up in the same position.

I don't think anyone would ever to be able to understand the changed I went through. I can't explain it. I feel normal, bubbly,goofy,carefree and best of all content. I feel content with myself. 

Sunday afternoon as I was leaving Erin dorm I stopped and stared into the mirror. For the first time I stopped and smiled at what I saw. I was proud of who was looking back in the mirror.

Life is amazing..sometimes you forget what life is all about. I'm so glad to have my focus back.


As for you.. I don't know what to call us. All I know is I enjoy it a lot. You brought a lot of fun out in me again. You've made me feel things I completely forgot were real. I don't give a fuck what anyone has got to say about you, because my thoughts are the only one that matters.


Friday, November 13, 2009

Let me re-introduce myself

as a man with a cause

I've had so much time to think about everything. Music has been my key therapy, along with amazing friends. In the end I came to the realization... that nothing is wrong haha

Yesterday, kids I barely knew showed me the time of my life. I haven't had that much fun in god knows how long. I thank them alot.

It feels so good to be back in my skin

Since the summer I've told people how much I wanted to be back in my skin, that I was so lost. I remember I used to tell Hannah all the time over the summer how much I wanted to be me again. Truth is I haven't found myself until recently. I sugarcoated it since the summer, but truth was I was never happy, I wasn't me.

So how do I know that I'm actually back in my skin? Well I know for sure because the demons are gone. All the uncontrollable urges have finally been tamed. The thoughts, actions, words and habits. I CONTROL THEM NOW. Also, the pain is gone. The hate, sorrow, disgust, all of that is gone. I let it go... god damn did it feel so good to let it go.

I fell off for a awhile and it damn nearly took me 5 months to get myself back. Demons cleared, head straight and back to myself. I love it. Dispite everything that has happened to me, life isn't so bad. I've come to terms with some of the hardest shit anybody will have to deal with.

In the end I am as strong as I thought... it was just hidden...


You gotta be brought down to worse to improve your best. I've seen my worse and it did me good. I know I'm never going back to that and the fact that the best of me is so much more improved.. it is an amazing feeling

"Welcome back Branden"

PS: I know how you feel kid. I read a lot of your blogs and it's crazy that you took some of the words right out of my mouth. There is hope though and you're so much stronger then you ever believed

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

i feel so akward

I knew it'd be different

I just knew it... i hope it passes..

I guess this is what you want

forgive me for thinking this, but in a sense, Brady I hope you're right what you told me yesterday... Sorry if it seems messed up

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

If someone wrote a book bout your life...

would it be worth reading?

If not does that bother you?

I've started seeing an anger therapist...

We got on the topic of writing and suggest I started writing a book or atleast attempt.. it would put a lot perspective in my head..

truth be told I already started it.. hopefully i can finish it by the end of the month if not then definitely by the end of the year..

No one would probably care to read it.. but it's worth it to me =]

Ima bout halfway done now :)



Monday, November 9, 2009

Everythings going to be ok

Sometimes those are the words you just need to hear

after it's all said and done I know I will be ok.

Sometimes you just need to take a step back and watch what goes on around you.

I realized alot this weekend.. I definitely realized I need to separate myself from certain people.

Life too short to sweat the small shit.. and in my case life may be really short haha you just never know.

One realization I have realized that is no matter how hard we've tried to separate from each other.. I just don't think it's possible. I can easily drop and push out people out of my life.. but with you I can't. I would like to think it's the same for you too. Something that just can't be explained is there.. to me we both know what it is.. but we definitely aren't ready for it, but in time... oh in time we will

I'm so ready for what the future has in store for me...

letting go of my past has never felt better =]

Saturday, November 7, 2009

help!

I think I'm having a panic attack

Words could never explain

the situation with me right

I do know that I'm thankful for my good friends. I know I haven't been myself lately and for the ones who forgave me... I thank you. Yall mean the world to me.. you have no idea.. you guys give me such a motivation to change who I am

from here on out I want change.

I've hit rock bottom and the only way is up

If you don't have a positive influence in my life.. then get the fuck out

Friday, November 6, 2009

5 am.

What I'ma bout to write might seem bold to post online, but I have no choice. No where else to go. I've got no one left to vent to, no one to listen, no one to care.

At 5:15 am I wake up to bright lights and unfamiliar faces. I finally gain my vision somewhat and look over and there is my mom, crying her heart out. I realize where I'm at and go to scream but nothing comes out. I got a hose the size of my throat down my throat. Only thing next is tears and lots of them.

I tried to kill myself last night. No I'm not suicidal as contradictory as that sounds. I tried to off my sleep and around 5am my mom came to check on me worried. then she found that i wasn't waking up and immediately rushed me to the hospital.

Last night I saw a part of me come out I've never seen before. I am at a lost of words for what became of my. I have let everyone down. I'm slowly killing myself off. I'm hurting people that don't deserve it. I do not want to be this way.

As for you, I know I lost you, I would like to think not for good, just for some time, because I need you now more then ever. Just as my best friend. I really need one. I've got no one to vent to and it's all built up. Words can never explain how I feel towards you or this situation. I'm tired of saying sorry, I'm sure you're tired of hearing it. For what I've done I hope I can some day come to terms with. I love you with all of my heart, it's not going to change. I know you lost everything for me, but as for now, I hope to regain your friendship because I need it so bad.

As for matt and shawn. Matt you didn't deserve any of that last night. You're an amazing guy and you did the right thing. She didn't wanna be there last night and even though you were wasted you still came and got her. I shouldn't have taken anything out on you. You're way too amazing for that kid. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I know it will be heart but I hope you do. I am truly sorry for what happened and how I handled myself.

As of last night I made the decision to stop everything. I am no long drinking for a while. After I seen hat demon dad come out of me last night. I want nothing to do with it. I'm giving it up, I don't care what setting I'm in. I do not want to drink until I'm back in my own skin. I want no more demons in me.

I'm ready to clean up, straighten up and man up. Even though I don't know if Ill get certain people back I can improve myself. I am so much better then how I've been. that is not me and I definitely won't settle that for me.

I can't even look myself in the mirror without getting disgusted or wanting to punch it.


Serious change starts today and nothings holding me back. I only need positive reinforcement in my life. I have got way too much shit to battle for any 20 year old ot handle, but i can do it. I'm so much better then what people think of me.


I seriously hate myself and I never have in my life.. I'm ready to love myself

this is where I face my fears. I can only take it one step at a time.

Goodbye past, fuck you, I'm starting clean

Thursday, November 5, 2009

there is no FUCKING way

they are going to make me do a spinal tap

no way

I refuse, my bodys fine, I don't care if they think it's "shutting down"
there is no way they are injecting chemicals in my body



I'd rather die, that's the worst pain I've ever felt

never again, kick rocks with that

I'm so over oncologist,needles, and chemo bullshit

I don't wanna go back anymore

self control

has something I lost awhile ago.

It's something that I've wanted back.

So I stated working on it, starting off by quit smoking.

I haven't smoked a cig in three days and even though its only three days it a start. I refuse to be addicted to anything..even something as little as a cigarette.

Along with other things, such as anger, thoughts, selfishness, and much more.

I was told by my best friend friend yesterday that I said the most mature thing they ever heard any body say as I spilling my sins. It felt good, because I need positive feedback.

It won't be long till I find myself again.. I can tell.. I wasn't as lost as you or I thought I was.

I can't wait to be home

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

i honestly

Don't know how I feel

But I do wish I was as happy as you are


Just keep my head up

Things got to get better?

Dont they?

Nothing right has been going on

I got a reckless ticket

Nicole is breaking up with me

I got to go today and do damn blood-work.. again I fucking hate needles

I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out in a few weeks

all this stress is affecting me in school

I just feel so shitty.. it's starting to feel like an all time low.. I hate it

god, somethings got to get better isn't it?

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Let it go

I once told you "I don't wanna get hurt"

you then replied "Its a chance you got take"


in the end I was right, I did get crushed

but it was so damn worth every second of it

=]

Monday, November 2, 2009

I really wonder?

where should I cross the line?