Etenral Sunhine of the Spotless

is one of my favorite movies (I know how cliche)

but if you haven't seen it.. I suggest you do, cause you would understand.

I wish I could undergo the same procedure they use in that movie

to erase.. memories..people...things..events...

I know people say you learn from YOUR mistakes, but what if it's not YOUR mistakes. Its others peoples? I can deal and cope with what I done... but what if you can't with other peoples stuff. What if it's just so bad you want to erase it? It isn't doing you any good. It just brings you down. I just want to erase it. Whether it's a memory, certain time period, or the person themselves.

What if the pain is so deep? What can you do? You have tried to forgive..but you can't forget. Forgetting is very important, because to fully forgive you got to forget? Is it possible to fully forget something? That horrible memory or image? Even if you block it when your awake and conscious... then what bout your unconscious.. when you're sleeping? Your dreams/nightmares eat away at you. torture you and just won't let you forget?

this stupid demon, just kicking you down and down... how do you battle him? Just drop the people that caused these memories? what if it's people that "love" you. Family, girlfriend, best friends etc...?

blehhh.. theres just so much I need to erase..

flying isn't the impossible part

not hitting the ground is what is.






MOTIVATION WHERE YOU AT PAL!?

flying isn't the ompossible part

not hitting the ground is what is.

and all though I sold my soul

I bet you I could get a whole lot more for this broken heart of gold


I'll never understand why people make things so much more complicated then it really is





I CAN'T ESCAPE THIS DAMN DISEASE

I'll stop stabbing

when ever you stop screaming

I have concluded

That trust issues come from 1 of 2 different ways.

Either that someone have you a reason not to trust them

or you gave yourself a reason not to trust them.

Why do people get these? You talk to a lot of people and a lot of people when it comes down to it have "trust" issues. What does that mean? Ya don't trust your significant other when they go out? Then why are you dating them?

1) I find it more it's because most people are guilty of their fears. People have these trust issues becuase they don't want their "significant" other pulling the same shit they are. They devolp these issues from guilt. It eats away at them. The second you're alone you start talking to someone else.. in a way you shouldn't if you're dating someone else. So then currently you're backstabbing the one you're dating or whatever.. then it hits you.. what if their doing the same thing? How do I know they aren't texting other boys/girls when I'm not around. What if they're not really going home.. what if they went somewhere else.. like I did last night? What if their using the same lines on another boy/girl? What if they are saying the same stuff I am when he/she is gone? Then these trust issues form. You start acting irrational on you're significant other because you fear they are doing exactly what you have been doing.

2) Then of course you got the other side. The people who have trust issues becuase they gave you a reason. You caught them lying, red handed in the act. What do you do form there? What if it keeps reoccurring? Is it possible for someone to stop after being busted 3 or 4 times? As being positive as I am, yes I would like to think it's possible.. but logically is it? After 1 or 2 times you develope these trust issues and it turns into a lot more. So what do you do form there?

All you people with trust issues. Which one would you say is your reason?

1 or 2?

... or both?

I CAN'T ESCAPE

I tried to block it out mentally and I keep trying to forget.

Sometimes things get broken so badly you just can't put the pieces back together.

you took my heart and ripped it apart. Met some dude and threw him in my face and everyhting that happenned between you and him happenned.. and even more then I thought.

Everytime I start to block it out.. you bring it back and slap me int he face again.

It has become clear that I'm some toy.

I had a long convo with someone yesterday. and the truth is you can't do that to people

I don't help.. I kept coming back after everything you have done with this boy. The lies,sex, alcohol, secrets... I hate it. Maybe thats why you keep doing it? I've said plenty of times I wouldn't ever talk to you again.. I came back after you said you didn't want him. I came back after I found out you had sex with him..twice. I came back after you claimed you loved me.. yet texting him sexual messages, I came back after you promised to stop talking to him and yet you didn't.. I think last Friday I might have been pushed over the edge.

How do I know it different? You said like nine months ago? Nothing has changed.. you always got some boy you have kept from me..

I'm not as dumb as you think.. I'm onto you or know more then you'd ever want me to... it haunts me.

I want to stay friends... but is it possibly for my heart to let anymore go on? I want it to.. I really do.. as dumb as that sounds I do..

I just am not sure if it's possible...


if you loved me.. you wouldn't have done anything you did int he past three months

and I refuse to accept that image as love... that is not love in my book

"hes just there"

then keep him there.. I feel like hes doing you better then I am.

YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO

G-U-I-L-T-Y

till we die

fght ff yr dmns

I swear tonight I almost let it out

I try not to let my dads side get to me

for the first time in a bout a year I wanted to hit someone

it almost felt good

I just had to leave tonight

another 5 mins there and I woulda smashed a bottle over his head

once i snap... its bad


ahhh fight it off

Miracles

do happen... even to people like me =]

That was the best phone call I ever gotten

I can't even explain it right now

asdhfbsdf


Now all I need is for my mom to make more money then she knows what to do with and life will
be perfect

They say to live your life as if you're going to die tomorrow
and my god, life is so much better that way

malignancy

The human species would thrive
better in isolation,
retarded,
and without the capability of annunciation.

How would we interact with one another? With joy and happiness.
Could it be that whats inferior is really superior?
A supreme being?
Socialization is a form of regression.
Therefore the measure is nonexistent for progression.
This world cant bring me to my knees when it's dead to me.
Our society's apathy will never get the best of me.

So I live in confinement because this is bullshit, I repent.
I look at a crowd of empty faces, kids who just don't give a shit.
Free thought is scorned upon.
If you're a victim you're a pawn.
Can't cut loose with no excuse.
Unaccountable, we're enslaved and can't be saved when we believe "everything happens for a reason."

To not accept our "fate" is moral treason.
We turn a blind eye to the problems of man because it's part of gods "master plan."
Centuries of religious archetypes is how this all began.
We must break free from the shackles of thought to fucking understand.
That our fear of death is what fucking kills us.
We're slaves to our gods and we can never be free.
We can never be free of the tyranny of bigotry within the bourgeoisie.
Where a system based on greed is fucking drowning me.

Just because you close your eyes doesn't mean the world disappears.

We're truly blind when our imaginations are filled with fears.
I believe in myself and my heart.
Not religious zealotry that is used to rule you and me,
Where god is made into a cheap fucking whore.
Our lord should deserve more.
So I broke free from the fallacies.
I don't need a savior because I saved myself

last night I realized

I could spend the rest of my life with you

please forgive me for thinking that

If one more person

asks me whats wrong I'm going to rip their fucking head off.

I'm so over sympathy and everyone trying to do all this shit for me. What's going on in my life shouldn't effect how people treat me and I hate it. That's why I like to keep my mouth shut. very select people I share my thoughts with for a reason.

I seriously can't wait for this month to be over. SEPTEMBER sucks... badly

Now to add everything my mom got laid off.. like really?

"I love you, but at this point I'm not in love with you"

I no longer want to ever talk bout "us" again, until you're ready to learn what the word love actually means.

It's not longer bout what I want to do.. it's officially what I need to do.... sucks


I'ma be ok somehow some way I'ma be fine

PS: who ever reads this.. I'm not suicidal or even really depressed.. so don't assume anything its a blog I write my thoughts.. no matter what

The hardest thing for any man...

is to admit his flaws.

Men, specially in American society have such high standards. it's looked down upon for a man to cry, for him to show any weakness. It's even almost frowned upon for a man to love one women. I'll never get it.

For any man though, I think it's personally admitting his flaws. Which I can finally admit to.

1) My biggest fear has started coming true. I saw my dad in me bout a week back and has continued to stay in me. FUCK THAT. I refuse to go as low as him. I said some things to Nicole I should have never said. Yes, she deserved my anger, but the things that came out of my mouth... all I could think bout was my dad. Then his psycho tendencies with women. I don't want the insecurity and jealousy. I finally came to realization.. I need help. So, yesterday, I called someone that has changed me for the most. Dr. Earl. E. Williams. Yes, a psychiatrist. I'm not afraid to admit it. Some things are just outta my control and you got to admit that. You need external help. I'm not saying I can't do it by myself, but for better and faster results, yes, I need help. So starting every Monday, I'm going to see my long lost friend, a friend I owe my life to.

2)DISEASE. Everyone thinks I'm so strong.Which yes, for everything I've ever done, seen, heard, thought, dreamt or just experienced, I'm pretty proud of who I am. I'm not in jail, dead, or addicted to anything, which is quite surprising. The truth is.. Waking up everyday I feel weaker and and more sick. I'm slowly making it closer to the end.FOR ONCE I'M SCARED. I can admit that. No it ain't death that scares me the most. Its the things I might not accomplish, the people I'll never get love or show how much I love them, the events I won't witness, the fact that I think very few people would miss me. Which sounds crazy. So i go into this defense mode. I push people out. I don't want them to get hurt cause I don't know how its going to end. I become this dick to people I love, so they ll push me out. I also, don't like talking bout it, because I feel people are nicer, or just stick around with me because of this disease. I don't want that at all. That's why I don't discuss it with people. I don't want sympathy, if you don't want to be around me then don't. The fact that something might happen to me is absurd for you to stick around.

It's so dumb I know, I plan on changing this.. i can't do it anymore.

3)IRRATIONAL. I have a big problem with trying to justify my actions with other peoples mistakes. Just because they fucked up doesn't mean I got to get to their level. What I do should only depend on me. I can't get mad at people for doing the same shit I'm doing. It's absurd and I just can't do it anymore. that's a flaw that has gotta go

4) Letting go. Recently, this has become very hard for me. I used to let things go easily and forgive. Now I tend to hold things over peoples heads, not only to their face but even in my head. I HATE IT. I want it to stop. I don't hold grudges at all. it's more just their actions above their head. With me holding it above their held I make them feel as they have to prove themselves. try to outweigh the good with the bad. Instead I just bring them down and make them feel shittier. it just isn't right

I personally think those are my 4 biggest flaws, explained in depth. I know I got more, but those are the ones that are effecting me the most. I plan on changing this and already started working on it. It's never too late to make yourself a better person, no matter what the circumstances are.

I start new today... a new me is needed... a new me is here

What I've been recently is not me and I completly understand why no one would want to be around that thing.

I don't even want to be around me

Im get you back some how, some way

hopefully

someone will miss me when I'm gone

SAVE ME!

I can't be s a v e d

It's getting worse this time. The nausea, my hair starting to thin out, my body aches, I'm losing my appetite.

I wish it would just end.

What did I do to deserve this? THIS DAMN DISEASE


I'm so over it already, and the battle has just begun.

This so called "treatment" is slowly killing my body off. I honestly don't know how much more I can go through. Its torture mentally, and physically.

I'M GOING INSANE.. SOMEONE ONE BRING ME DOWN.. I CAN'T STOP FLOATING


PS: I need you more then ever now...but still.. no where to be found.. where you at?

For some oddly reason...

everything possible went wrong and this weekend.. crazy part is for some odd reason.. I'm perfectly content.

I also discovered that Matt is probably my smartest friend I got or maybe it's the fact we're exactly alike? Or just share a lot of the same views. Ima miss him when he goes and becomes all famous and shit. I really hope I do get tog o with him. I don't care what I do, I'm just ready to leave here.

I'm ready for alotta things, which is weird to hear me say.

As far as the women situation. I'm finally at ease. no more worrying, no more lies, no more caring.
All I want is girl friends, not a girlfriend. not for a long time at least. I just rather keep certain people close...

it feels good to grow up... some people say they are scared.. I'm not.. I've embraced it.

After this weekend I learned I probably have the biggest heart out there. I can't wait for the day i can truly show someone what I'm capable. I have a lot to offer... I truly have impressed myself

forgiving and trying to forget is all I've been used to lately.



PS: Miracles happen :)

how can you fucking....

fuckin... sleep at night

I will never be the same ever

I will never drop the words "I love you" until I'm dead

I can taste it...

fall is slowly creeping it's way here!

Personally, my favorite season. I know to alotta people that's absurd but not to me at all.

I got many reasons for this. First, I love fall colors. Living in Virginia we got the Appalachian Trail. During November when i was little my parents used to take me all the time. The colors of all the tree during this month was insane. We used to camp there for a weekend and go explore the trails. On top of the beautiful leaves, I would watch trout travel from stream to stream. They had waterfalls that you could eat lunch by. I miss it alot, I haven't been in like five years, mostly because my parents got divorced.

Another reason why fall rules, is the clothes you get to wear. I personally love wearing hoodies, jeans, layers of clothes, beanies, and scarfs. I think people look more attractive during the fall season. Girls can get all cute in their fall outfits. I just love fall apparel.

BYE BYE HUMIDITY!!! YOU WON'T BE MISSED

It brings people closer. Fall just seems like the romantic season. The environments paints itself for everybody. Sky becomes pink/purple, leaves turn all shades of red. I love it, it makes you want to be with somebody. The cool breeze gives you a reason to be close to another.

all in all, falls pretty sw33t d00d3

Yesterday

this is what she said
"Boy you got everything so perfect. Every girl wants you, your smile could stop the world, and you could get lost at sea with those eyes. God literally took the ocean and placed them into your eyes. What so wrong with you? I wish I was as perfect as you. I don't see why you're complaining."

I really hate when people tell me I got this perfect life. The best part of it is.. if secretly they knew anything bout me, I've been,done,seen,heard, more then any human being should ever been put through. I don't know too many people who have a more fucked up life then me.

It's all bout the attitude baby, keep on keeping on.

It's not that I have this so called perfect life, I've just worked for pretty much everything I ever earned. Life is what you make it, despise everything that has ever happened to me, I'm still positive.

So watch what comes out of your mouth before you tell someone "you got this perfect life"

no one does