Sunday, December 13, 2009

BYE BYE BLOGGER!

I moved to a tumblr.. i like the set up more so far

plus this chapter in my life is done and over with =]

If ya still care...

About time to retire

this site.

This chapter of my life is over.. I go through so many blogs and they usually follow stages of my life.


I've changed a lot since this blog. let go of a lot, forgave a lot, seen a lot, experienced a lot, and learned a lot. It's just I went through and read a lot of my posts from months and months ago and they all seem so depressing haha. Truth be told, I'm the happiest I've been in awhile, thanks to myself.

So I started a new chapter in my life, so I think it's time to make a new blog... I will post it later :)

Friday, December 11, 2009

I have never been that shaken before...

I'm having an amazing night last night. I went to a dance party with Mikey, His gf Felicity, Jennifer, and Emily. We Met up with Chris and his friends. I'm having an AMAZING time.... and we were only there for like a hr when I get a phone call...

I could barely make out what my mom was saying, "Branden, Rachael has been t-boned and is being carried in an ambulance to the sentera lee hospital off PA road, it's pretty bad..."

I instantly got nauseous and I feel so bad cause I basically just up and left the people I was with to rush to the hospital. I wasn't the only one driving though so it was ok, they all understood. I never have been that scared in my life. I had no idea what was going on and by the way my mom was talking... I had no idea... So finally I get to the hospital to see my sister all helpless in an emergency room. Fortunately, she came out pretty lucky, had some major whip lash and broke only a few bones. That was such amazing news, my heart dropped when I found out she was going to be alright in a sense.

It's so scary knowing that your life could be taken away from you at any given point in time. I feel people forget that. What if you died today? You regret anything you did or didn't do today? Instances like last night remind you how valuable life is. That there is no time for the bullshit in life. You live once and you never know when hat gift might be taken from you, so live it up. There is no use in wondering "what if?". Just do it. Life is way too precious to waste and dwell on things. It's the most extraordinary gift possible, so cherish it, because you might not have it in the next five minutes.

PS: thank you last night for coming up to the hospital. It meant a lot to me, I've known you for like a month and you came through, even after I practically ditched everyone at the dance party...I'm sorry you had to see me like I was last night, I don't think ANYBODYS ever seen me hysterical. You truely are an amazing person.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I saw the sorrow

in your eyes again.

You hate whats happened to your life don't you?

I have never been a big fan of my father. He is indeed a raging alcoholic. My earliest childhood memories are of him hitting/threatening my mother or I. He has had FOUR DUI charges against him. 3/4 wrecking vehicles. He has torn you apart. You lost your kids over it, you lost your beautiful wife over it, and worst of all your pride over it.

I saw the sorrow Tuesday while your plastered. I can't remember the last time I've seen or talk to you completely sober. I see the pain behind those eyes. You couldn't control your demons your whole life and it caught up to you. Your attitude and alcohol have caused you to lose everything. You might be fooling everybody else, but I see straight through you. You would do anything to go back and time and have my mother back as your wife. To raise my sister and I the way we should have been brought up. No you fucked up it all up. Now the only thing left for you to do is to drown yourself is more alcohol. Try to drown out the memories, it doesn't work, it makes it worse.

Now I know why I'm so against alcohol. I like to drink, but at the same time i despise it. I much rather have sober fun. I'm so over the party scene but sadly that's all there is to ever do. Last weekend was so much fun. I was on the edge of my seat for three/four days straight and I was completely sober the whole time. That is honestly the BEST kind of fun. I don't need alcohol to have a good time.

I get so scared I might have the alcoholic gene in me. That I could be next... I've seen it come out in before.. I swear never on my life will that happen again. Seeing you after 8 months did me good. It reminded me of everything I don't ever wanna be. It reminded me that as much as I used to hate you.. you're my biggest hero. I'm so proud of myself today thanks to you. I look at you in disgust and never want to be that. I may have had an incident but it will never happen again. Your demon will never take over me again.

I thank you dad, because of you I am who I am today. I find myself completely beautiful and the best part is.. I'm so much better then that

I wouldn't change the way you brought me up for anything in the world.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Next time there won't be a next time

some things just have to be done

No one ever puts their hands on my sister.


972 fucked

Monday, December 7, 2009

"You're beautiful"

I told think anyone but my mom has ever told me that in my life. For no reason ever she just came out and said it. I like that word "beautiful" It makes you feel really good about yourself. It's not only a word that describes attractiveness, but a word that describes a person as a whole. When she said, I really felt it.

I probably should have kissed her right then and there. The past two weeks we've hung out I loved it though. I don't wanna ruin that. We've spent the night each other three times now and yet to kiss. To be honest I don't really wanna kiss her. I doubt I'd feel anything to be honest. I'm way too numb. I just know shes a lot of fun. Since Thursday we've hung out everyday.

Those days included: dance parties, bowling, shopping, baking cookies, watching Christmas lights, pointless drives, Christmas Parade!, screaming, swings, and endless conversation. It weird cause I talk bout Nicole to her alot. She doesn't seem to mind though, which is good, because I need someone to listen to me for once.

Then she asked me a question.. one that stays in back of my head...

"Do you want Nicole back?"

For the first time I realized what it is I want.. and I can fully admit it.

"I love the girl to death, she haves no idea, and to be honest I know I could make her the happiest person alive if she ever let me, but the truth is when you truly love somebody, you just want them to be happy...even if it's out of your control...."

I've never spoken a more truthful statement.

For the first time in awhile I am completely content with life. It has nothing to do with someone else making me feel content. Only I can make myself content, specially right now. It is the fact that I realized how proud of myself I am and better yet, how truly beautiful I am.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

You want a miracle? Then be the miracle

I remember when I was little I used to love Christmas. Today, Christmas time personally disgusts me. I got into a long talk with my friend Jen about how much I hate what Christmas has come to. It's a hallmark holiday. Where people are more worried bout presents, money, the best stuff, and everything else that ruins Christmas. Personally, I wish gifts weren't involved.. I find it rather silly.

To me Christmas is that time when people come together. It's sad, but it's usually the month everyone is jolly. I honestly don't remember the last time I really met anybody in the Christmas spirit. Everybody is so caught up in myself. I finally decided to do something bout it

I decided to do the nicest/most graceful thing I've ever done.

I recently got a pretty decent amount of money.

I took $1500 dollars and donated it to st. judes hospital. There is a lot of other stuff I could of spent this money on. I coulda bout myself a lott of un necessary shit. I decided to donate it. Why? Because that $1500 will be spent so much better then how I could have done it. I know $1500 isn't that much when it comes to a hospital. But to me, it was a lot to let go of and it felt amazing.
Secondly, St. Jude is mostly a cancer foundation for kids. They focus on youth with cancer diseases. After I donated that $1500 they showed me and Jen around the hospital. They couldn't believe someone my age donated that so much. It hit so close to home for me being thankful for how successful for now my treatment was. I had a miracle happen to me and I wanted to be a miracle to someone else. Hopefully that $1500 is just enough to save someone elses life.

This month I wanna concentrate alot on "Christmas Spirit"

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

HOLY SHIT

we made the news from last night


hahaha

oh god, it's not the first time though

=]

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

August Burns Red

has been my favorite band in that genre for years now.

I've seen them roughly around 8 times.. all over the state of VA. It's crazy to watch them in a crowd of 12 people when I was 16 to watching them pack out a bigger venue such as the norva four years later. I think honestly one of my favorite parts is how positive they are in their music and how they are some of the most legit dudes I have ever met.

"The truth of a liar" is personally my favorite.

Blood,sweet,beer,adrenaline,chaos, and thrill was all experienced last night. I loved every second of it. It's been so long since I've been to a show like that. It brings me back to my younger days. I love it, I'm def going to start going to more shows like that if I like the bands.

Oh and I got to see DJHEARTBREAKZZZ. I love that girl, she seriously is my best friend. She knows so much about me it isn't funny. Felt good seeing her.. I wish it happened more often.


"The truth hurts, but denial's what will kill you"