I know it's hurting you

but it's killing me

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

to me bitchessssssssssss


today is my day.. and I just ain't giving a fuck

free falling

has never felt so good. Sometimes not having control and completely losing yourself is what you need. Its like when they say you can never truly love someone until you had your heart broken and left alone. So it would make sense you can't find yourself untilll you lose yourself.

you have to find out what you are not, before you can really say what you are..

I just want you

to make me b e l i e v e

I'm just

dying to live

and living to die

...

I feel so shitty

it all makes sense now

"You have to believe that life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo."

but what if you can't put the pieces together in the first place?

I personally don't think anyone will be able to interpret this painting correctly

but my god does it fit how I feel perfectly right now

THIS IS WHERE

WE SCREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM



Summers coming to an end

I can honestly say.. I think I'm ready for it to end

Plus, Falls my favorite season anyhow :)

The word "forever"

doesn't have a meaning when you're living in the moment

What a ramble

So It's been awhile since I've wrote in here really. 

Anyways Jersey: I last wrote right before I left. So here it goes. My trip was amazing. I needed it. It felt amazing to be surrounded by people I didn't know and they were all just so happy. It was a step outta my circle I called life. and Jenny... she is an amazing person. It felt nice to just have someone to talk to bout EVERYTHING... what the scariest part is.. she understands.  It was amazing to just have someone who seemed to care.. a girl that for the first time I was single to not just try and get in my pants. Thats all thats been thrown at me and I hate it. I'm just not like that anymore. Anyways, Jersey, I saw a lot of sweet shit. She took me to an overlook where we sat on her car and could just see the NYC skyline.. my god is that a site. Its weird to be surrounded by all this grim,hate,dirt, evil, trashy and just a horrible world and then see something like that. A product of this fucked up world... and yet so beautiful. It almost gives you hope.. you stop and realize... that maybe there is a point to this gift us humans call life. Like despite even the worst of things... there beauty in it somehow.

Also, NYC total fun. I definitely stuck out up there... let me tell you. Every where I went people just talked bout me. Jenny noticed it too. I really liked it up there.. and I would like to visit often, but no way in hell could I ever live there. People are just too busy, too stuck up, and forget what it is to even feel real. 

On my trip I think I finally realized what I want after college. That is to travel. EVERYWHERE. Starting with the U.S. there are a few more cities I'd like to see from my home country. Then I plan to leave, Australia first and then eventually I'd like to make it to Europe. I just want to go untill like my late 20s then learn what a family feels like.

Which I know, I'm writing a lot, but this was the thing that I.. well I don't know how to say it.. caught me off guard.. or just different to me. Was the fact the whole time I was away I was surrounded by families. 

I'M 20 YEARS OLD AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT FAMILY MEANS

I woke up to warm smiles, laughter, and just Jennys family joining in for breakfast. Like wow, that was so foreign to me.. I just couldn't grasp it. A family.. doing family things.  As I sat there and observed her family, I just thought bout how for once.. maybe one wouldn't be so sad. That this is how a family is suppose to work. No alcohol, no fighting, no abuse, no lies, no empty words, not feeling numb. I was almost horrified that I started feeling like this. I wanted to be apart of her family.. and no it wasn't like that... just a sense of belonging.. that I someday hope I can hold onto this thing called family. It gave me hope.. sometimes you kinda lose focus on hope and start to realize that things just happen. SOme people aren't meant to have a family, to be loved,  to end in a happy ending. Happy endings can't be written for everyone.. that's just too many people to write one for, it's so much easier to accept the fact that sometimes everything just won't be ok. For once in my life, while I was sitting there, observing her family in action.. I realized that... there is still hope.. and that some day... I will own one of these families. 

Not a broken home, no empty words, no lies, no unfilled promises. Just love, which brings some despair. 

Everything has a price doesn't it? After seeing all this.. I would give up anything

I am now working on no longer living in fear.. It feels amazing :)

SAVE ME!

I can't be s a v e d

I won't

I don't need no love


I see the path your eyes take
and I want to join you

Im here...

but im not ever really h e r e

have

you

e

v

e

r

?

been driving on a bridge and had the urge to to just drive off..

not even as a suicide attempt but to see what would happen?

Is it worth it?

You could black out and not remember anything but just being asleep.. then it comes down to it.. do you want to wake up? Is it worth waking up?

You know once you wake up some things will never be the same? but is that so bad? Do you honestly want things to be different? Maybe "different" just isn't so bad.. maybe that different is what you needed all along in your life?

What do you do when you ain't afraid to die? Would you call it losing hope? Does hope even really exist? All fear is based around some way of dying. You fear something because it could hurt you.. and eventually kill you. What is you don't fear death? Does this make you invincible? Is it possible for a human to be invincible?

Im so glad I took this road trip of mine. It felt good to get away of what I use to call "home" cause I realized I don't have a home. I don't know if I ever will. I don't see that so bad though? Who needs a home? Home is for people who want security.. maybe I don't want that? Maybe the fact of never knowing whats going to happen next is the best part? Who wants to know.. I sure as hell don't..

I realized next summer I plan on going for a 5 week trip just to everywhere. Map it out and just go.. different people every day.. different scenery every day.. a different me everyday

I slowly realized so much about myself this past week. Just bout everything in a positive way. It feels good.

I just ain't ready to head home

it felt AMAZING TO JUST GET AWAY

AHHHHH