Thursday, July 30, 2009

I don't think I have ever

been this confused in my life

I dont know how to explain this state of mine im in


at all

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Unanswered

And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who was dead alive again. There's another thing to learn about tears, they can't make somebody who doesn't love you any more love you again. It's the same with prayers. I wonder how much of their lives people waste crying and praying to God. If you ask me, the devil makes more sense than God does. I can at least see why people would want him around. It's good to have somebody to blame for the bad stuff they do. Maybe God's there because people get scared of all the bad stuff they do. They figure that God and the Devil are always playing this game of tug-of-war game with them. And they never know which side they're gonna wind up on. I guess that tug-of-war idea explains how sometimes, even when people try to do something good, it still turns out bad.

Friday, July 24, 2009

FATE vs. FREE WILL

are you capable of choosing what we want in life?

or were you predestined to do whatever, that some higher power pre-packaged our life before we were ever born.

I just can't believe in the whole destiny thing.. I mean i do to an extent but not on my whole life.

I believe you choose your path, no makes you make the decisions you make. You choose them and therefore should be held responsible. I refuse to believe that some higher power is in control of me.. what would be the point? In that case i was created to die before I'm even 21 from a disease. As much as its been brough up and all these medical things going on in my life.. I just won't grasp that. I won't accept the fact that some disease will be my demise in like a year.. just no way. I talk bout it with people and they get all sad. I mean it's depressing yes, but not to me?

I start treatment in like two weeks and I'm kinda nervous yes. There will be alot of side effects once I start but I know I'll be fine.

On the fate part.. I do believe some things are fate... Its really funny how life can play its self out. I'm glad the past few weeks that I over came everything within myself. I didn't have to show my emotions out.. just learned how to deal with them. How to let go, not just of the whole girl situation, but just of myself. It's all learning experiences and I don't regret a thing. In a weird sense I'm kinda glad everything came crashing down on me. It proved I can handle my self. It taught me how to cope with a lot, that I can overcome anything, even this damn disease. I learned so much bout myself the past few weeks and it's amazing. I love who I have became/becoming. years ago I never thought I'd be this mature on so many situations.

Was it fate with the jenny thing? A girl I've talked to for at least what? 7 months now? and then all of a sudden all this happened.. like right at the perfect time. It's so crazy how everything just falls together. Nicole tells me she won't go to warped tour with me.. and then 20 minutes later jenny calls and I went with her. Is it a coincidence? Fate? Luck? I don't know what to call it the past few days. I just know I met her for a reason. That our story so far is one of a movie. No we ain't in love or even close. to be honest.. I don't think I'll ever experience love.. I mean I'd like to someday? I ain't in no rush I like just letting things happen.. life's so much better when you just go with it. Stop living in denial, stop living a lie, it just don't work. You slowly destroy yourself and just dig it deeper. You have to sort yourself out before you can worry bout other people. FIND WHO YOU ARE. Love yourself before you can someone else. I personally can say that I do love myself. I look at other people and not to be cocky, but I just know that I'm so much better then that.

Its kinda of crazy to see how happy I am when besides the whole jenny thing, everything around me has come crashing down. Whether it's girls, house life, my life whatever. It feels good to take a step outta everything and just watch it go by. To not stress over it, it ain't worth it, not even this cancer bullshit.

I absolutely love who I'm growing up to be, and it sucks for whoever doesn't want to be a part of that.

I got so much to offer.. oh so much :)


7 days :)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

If I could take

Yesterday and put it on repeat then I would be content

it has been FOREVER since a girl has got me like that

hands down, most romantic kiss, no doubt.. I didn't even plan it hahaha


it feels good, to be so happy again




jersey took my heart... <3

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

She just

grabbed me by the wrist and and locked her hands with mine

the moon lit up the whole dance floor

the only music we had was the waves crashing down like our lives

she started to move out feet slowly and I could tell we were floating

the waves came crawling up onto our ankles, almost as if they were just washing our pasts away


It was the most real feeling I've had in awhile, just slow dancing on the beach as waves brushed us

we danced our troubles away that night, we let the waves take our pain away

as she went to kiss me, I met her, but it wasn't that kind of kiss

It was the kind of kiss that just happens, because that moment is too good to pass out, we would both be foolish for passing that up.. it was just n e e d e d

and the best part was.. I was at ease

Sunday, July 19, 2009

someday

youll realize what I meant to you

realized that was we had was r e a l

realized that there is nothing to f e a r with love

realized that mistakes happen

that you just can't shut everyone out

it just won't get you far


Some day you'll give us a second chance

and realized that we are infinite <3 class="text">"There is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love."

some day kid, some day

We arn't nothing to fear.. and it sucks it ever came to this

you shouldnt ever feel shitty bout yourself. You are the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. The most amazing person i ever met.. you're my angel.. my cure.... my everything<3 you are my other half... there ain't no denying it


but I will always be here <3>

Saturday, July 18, 2009

less then two weeks!!!

bye bye Virginia Beach

I'm so excited

I need it... oh god only knows I need it


It feels good to be back on my feet again

sup JZ?

hahaha

Friday, July 17, 2009

Dear fear:

you ain't got nothing on this

never again

:)

dont be s c a r e d

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

sometimes...

there just is not enough rocks...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Last night

I was standing there with a few people

Just washing the waves crash down... I was in a complete trance...

Then I felt her grab my hand.. which startled me.. as she did she whispered in my ear

"Wave goodbye to the past, you've got your whole life to lead"

and she was right

she was so right

Monday, July 13, 2009

I feel..rather

enlightened

I had the craziest dream last night and it just felt so real, I can't really describe it on here

It was one of them life changing dreams

I think this sunday I might actually go to church...


weeirrrrdddd

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Its not what I want anymore

it's now bout what I got to do

I need to face reality that it's over

you don't want this.. and I can respect that

I'm letting go of you, one day at a time.

I miss smiling, eating,sleeping, you, us, myself.

If you aren't willing to give us a second chance.. then maybe it isn't worth it

It's like my mom said, you can only do so much.

I've done everything I think I possibly could

You found someone that makes you happy... eventually I'll get there sooner or later.


I start letting go as of now.

I won't lie it won't be easy, I can't do rebounds.


I know I have a lot to offer someone and if you don't want it then I'm sorry. You're right though, It's sad it took me this long to open up and show you everything.

But after the past week I got a new perspective on life

and NOTHING is holding me back... not even fear

I can promise you that <3

Stay happy kid... stay happy

Saturday, July 11, 2009

truth be told

I ain't afraid of it anymore

in a weird sense...

I'm kind of ready?

Friday, July 10, 2009

I want to...

Scream your name to the deafest of the dumb.
The darker the better, I still shake when I see you, that's not alright.
I want to rip you to pieces.
Kiss you until you remember what I meant to you.




I will try my hand at forever.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Sometimes

people put up walls not to keep everyone out, but to see who thinks it's worth taking it down

Starting yesterday, I live my life in a completely different context

and it's for the better

ain't nothing holding me back no more


watch out vegas-her words kill

currently, this song seems to fit me perfectly, i can relate to every word written in that song



maybe I'm a walking miracle...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

What if?

a group of medical professionals told you you had a certain time frame to live.

They actually put a life expectancy on you?

How do you react?
What do you say?
What do you do?
You change your views completely?

I think some people forget that life could end at any time.

but the biggest question is...

where do I go from here?

Monday, July 6, 2009

In the end

there is nothing you can do

It's out of my reach now I've done all I can do

I won't kick myself over it no more

Thanks to some people for today, I really needed it

I know from here on out I'ma be ok

I'm just staying away from females for away

it's time to let go, not just of nicole but of my past.

Like Bo said, The Hero can take care of himself

and I will do that


If we're really in love then you'll realize what you're passing up, people search their whole life time looking for something we once had.

that's all there is to it

if not, then it was learning experience, we weren't ever in love.. who knows what we were

today, I will never let fear hold me back

never again

Dear Parents:

I will never forgive you guys for what you have done to me
I don't think anyone who has never been in the situation will realize how much a divorce has on their kid. Thanks to you guys I have questioned every single thing in my life that has ever had to do with the world love. Thanks you to guys for 17 years of my life I didn't even fucking believe in the word. I dispised the word. You guys shower me the word love was cheating, alcohol, abuse and fighting. In the end to get a divorce after 10 years of being married.

Now thank you. For the first time ever I have understood what the word meant. I started to erase this definition of the word that you guys drilled in my head for 14 years of my life. That "love" is not something you should be afraid or fear. ITS NOT SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE THROWN AWAY. you guys made me second guess probably one of the only pure things in my life. For tyhis I could never forgivr you

I can never forgive you guys for the pain, mistrust, dillusions, people I've lost, pushed out, jaded or anything. I will never forgive you for making me lose something that I thought NEVER EVER existed.

Well no thanks to you two I know the word exists. I know what it means. It so much better then what I ever grew up and thought it meant. Now I have lost it thanks to you too

but from this day on I will never let you two hold me back. I made the own defintion of love and it's so much better then what you two taught me.

Never again will I push someone out that I was heads over heels for, becuase I'm scared. Scarted to end up like you two miserable people. Scard to become an alcoholic like my father. Scared becuase in the end I believed i was going to get hurt

FUCK THAT

from here on out, I will carry this word with the utmost meaning. If I ever say it again it will not be what I grew up thinking this word meant, but what I have formed out of it.

The fact that loves does in the end conquer all, It is infact THE BEST FEELING you can ever withold.

Now thank to you two, who knows if I will ever expierence that again.

Thanks you parents <3 you guys did swell in teaching me to fear the most sacred feeling in humans history


Ima show you two this post one day, I swear just so you really know what you guys did to me and how wrong you guys were

I have hit rock bottom

I've officially got nothing to lose

not even my dignity

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

It'll make you say

oh god! Why was I wrong?
I missed the whole meaning when it was spelled out all along


ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS
(for once, please prove me wrong... just once... just once....)