Saturday, December 27, 2008

truthfully

I just want to scream,


"FUCK IT!"

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Dem L Rides

I love going on L rides with really close people

Anyways we got on the crazy topic of life and death

and my friend explained how he didn't want to die or thought it was meaningless to live..just because you're going to die in the end...whats the point?

I couldn't agree with that at all...

No way do I think it's pointless or no way in hell I'd want to live forever. The way I see it my mom and dad could of have many combinations of kids, but I was created, so right there is luckiest thing. If one different sperm got into that egg I wouldn't be here... Scary thought right?
So I consider myself lucky. Also, I'm enjoying living life, but I'm sure in 50 or 60 years if I make it that long... I'ma be ready to die. As long as you do everything you wanted in life... I mean it's time to go. I use to work in a nursing home when I was like 14 and I talked to plenty of elderly people who were just ready to die. They said they had the best life the could and now it's just time for peace. Death is no way something I think people should be scared of. I'm personally not at all. You only live once, and if you do it right, once is perfect. So just do it "right" and you make up whats right for you. If you're happy, fuck everything else. It doesn't matter. I'm living my life how I want to, and I'm perfectly content. There is no way in hell I want to give life a second shot or live forever.

The truth is:

" In the end we all die, the goal is to not live forever, but to create something that will"

Monday, December 22, 2008

all i can say for sure...

is you need to clean yourself up and quick

I'd hate to see this end because of your foolishness

I keep trying to help you but you won't let me

you won't talk to me

I'm tired of you taking things out on me

twisting shit on me as if it's all my fault

and other stuff


I'm here to help you out, but you won't let me

You keep saying all this stuff and now you're making me start to think twice

which means I won't be here for long if you keep this up

I'm sorry, it just won't happen

but I'ma leave that up to you to you.. to decide

after all, you don't even know what you want.

you better make your mind up quick...else ima do it for you

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I can't get these knots out of my damn stomach


I feel so sick it just brings me to my knees

i really wish it'd go away

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I swear it I'm cursed

I have to be

It just keeps eating at me and eating at me

I really can't describe it, I wish I knew what it was

I wish I could uplift this damn curse

Forgive me, but I do not know how much longer I can do this

I'm sorry for what I might have to do

Monday, December 15, 2008

...somebody is going to die tonight...



ain't nothing I'm not used to

Friday, December 12, 2008

Where have you gone?

Personally I loved December.

I loved it a lot more when I was a wee lad. I loved the fireplaces, walking around the neighborhood smelling peoples fires,the Christmas lights everywhere, people smiling and waving. IT WAS JUST ALL AROUND AMAZING. I miss it a lot

I'm rather disgusted to say how much I've learned to despise this time of year. What was once my favroite season and month has now turned into something I can't stand. Everyone is so caught up in stupid bullshit each year. As I get older I noticed it gets worse. I miss fires in my fireplace and singing christmas songs and even going to look at lights. No one ever smiles anymore or anything. Everyone is so caught up in money issues and presents and other dumb bullshit. I hate it. FUCK PRESENTS, if I could have it my way, on christmas I just wish I could have everyone I cared for around a huge fireplace and smoking bluntz hahaha =] or just everyone chillen in by a fire and just having a good time.

I'm so tired of so much. I'm not depressed at all. So I hope who ever reads this doesn't think I'm depressed or something, trust me I'm far from it. I'm just fed up.

My mom told my sister shes kicked out when she's 18. I've never seen them fight this bad before. She started stealing my moms money and such, and on top of that she owes my mom hundred of dollars. I really don't know how I feel bout it. I know my sister would never last on her own. Haha she can't even support her self when she has somewhere free to stay you know?

I really can't wait till I finish school. about a yr and a half left and then I want to start anew.

I PROMISE THE FIRST PERSON WHO CAN TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE FOR AWHILE WITH LOW EXPENSES OR PROMISE A BETTER LIFE THEN I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

this is getting so old....

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

??????????

Disclaimer: don't take this to heart, it's nothing personal, I just feel like venting


but damn.. I must not be doing something right? I've never met a girl who dates someone and wants to get so involved with their exes again?

No I'm not a jealous type or anything like that

and personally, I must admit 9/10 would never let it slide

No I wouldn't do anything DRASTIC if you hung out with your exes
but I swear if I found out anything or if you lied to me bout the slightest detail I wouldn't even want to reason with you.

I guess I'm just lost because:

1)you openly admitted to me you would never want to hang out with your certain ex one on one. Why? Becuase you told me you jsut couldn't.. and I know what you meant by that and I know what you meant by that. You just said it wasn't a good idea. you almost sounded like you couldn't trust yourself bout it?

2) You broke my trust with the whole exes thing MORE THAN ONCE and I know I'm working on it... I've almost let that go

3) You just told me last weekend or so he told you all this stuff bout how much he missed you and was sorry and blah blah not going into detail. So you kind of know what his intentions are? But you still consider wanting to hang out with him?

No I wouldn't do anything drastic... and I guess I would force myself to get over.. I could just promise it wouldn't be healthy for our relationship... I wouldn't say it would end it though



but then again... maybe I'm over reacting?

Monday, December 8, 2008

did you know?

The biggest room in the world, is the room for IMPROVEMENT

Monday, December 1, 2008

Hey you out there!?

There has got to be someone who feels just like me
I'm tired of being numb
I'm tired of being so cold
I want nothing more but to just come home
but I saw the dove fly far away today
and somehow it took my spirit with it
I have turned my back on everybody I once cared for
if they don't believe in me, why should I believe in them?
My best is never enough...never enough
is it?
I want to find someone that can relate to me for once
I know you're out there, but where are you?
For once, I want someone to be content with me, who I am, what I am to come, and most of all

what I have to offer